Monday 10 March 2008

St Patrick's Day - some thoughts

You have a week till St Patrick's Day. Which this year is slap bang inside lent and, happily, is one of the days were Lenten restrictions are lifted so what ever it is you have given up can be forgotten about and you don't have to worry about any demonic pitchforks being inserted into unwary orifices in the afterlife for any small transgressions.

So... The Best Practices Policy for St Patrick's day

Start the day with a big bowl of porridge, sweet or salty, your choice.
Ensure you have a Bucket, a towel and a bottle of Poitín or Polish Vodka or Silovice or Grappa secreted about your person.
Find a bar, preferably an Irish bar with a bona fide Irish barman to act as social secretary.
It is best to find one with chairs that have decent backs and arm rests, get there early to secure a seat near the bar.
Start of slowly with a nice slow pint of your choice.
You will probably now be bored with beer so depth charge the next one with a shot of spirits
It is around this time that the seasoned St Paddtite starts to grin. This is because he (or she) has self catheterized themselves and does not need to leave their seat (and loose it) to have a pee. It is true what they say. you do not buy beer you merely rent it.

It is around this time that singing will spontaneously erupt, usually to much jeering and name calling as this is a sign that the singer is in fact a tourist and hasn't read the instructions properly.

Singing comes after the "giving off" .. giving off is the period of the evening where you can without fear or favour "diss" whomever you feel like (i strongly advise not dissing the person whose round it is next as it will interrupt the rhythm of the evening). This "dissing" period should be accompanied by sympathetic ooooh's, aaaah's and is that so's from the listeners
Occasional "get away with that!" exclamations are allowed but keep them to a minimum.

Once everyone that wants to has "given off", one of the present shall immediately suggest a round of shorts, this suggestion is greeted with much enthusiasm by those around him (or her)
with shouts of "your on big man" and "sounds like a plan".

Traditionally this was usual a "half-un" (a single measure of whiskey) however as Ireland has become more multicultural this has become less of a requirement. Polish Vodka is acceptable as is Sambucca but only when drunk without a glass, the liquor being poured into the mouth, ignited extinguished and swallowed by the drinker.

Green Chartreuse is a wussy drink and has NOTHING to do with St Patrick .. and Creme De Menthe should only be drunk if you are the current Pope or Bishop of Dublin. Likewise requests for Absinthe will result in the requestor being ridiculed as a F**king Existentialist and it will be suggested that they expand their reading to the logical positivists, along with the fact that it will IPSO FACTO become their round.

Around this time it is permissible to have something to eat. The bar should be serving something probably Irish Stew, if not send one of the number out to the nearest fish and chip shop for 20 fish suppers, 2 battered sausages suppers and 4 deep fried pizzas (and if in Scotland 26 portions of deep fried mars bar) .... consume

Drink more beer.
It is now permissible to start singing, however the lyrics must be unintelligible and involve at least one hic-up, burp or fart. Marks will be deducted for being good at it.

Around now use of your towel is permitted, as it will probably be getting warm and a bit sweaty.

Drink more beer.
Profess to the person on your left your undying love and the fact that they are the "bestest friend a person could hope for" if this person is a complete stranger you will be given extra points

When the barman asks, leave the bar in a disorderly crowd. Find a police man. Kiss them and tell them they are lovely, even policemen need to feel loved.

Walk home on the way you and your chums can keep your spirits up by drinking the bottle you have secreted about your person.

If you follow this tried and tested best practice you will have a satisfactory StPaddy's day. But remember it is an acquired taste and does come with some inwanted side effects, but nothing a helping of Paracetamol, a bottle of lucozade and a "duvet" day can't cure


1 comment:

Nate said...



Disqus for Domi-No-Yes-Maybe