Saturday 29 March 2008

Giving ASW a bit of a stroke.

Was that title ASW enuff I wonder?

Being a relatively neophytic blogger I have only just found out what an ASW is. Although, it seems, there is some debate about the "W". The underlying throb of self-gratification that the ASWer feels does push me to the "anker" rather than "hore" side of the debate. Added to this the unlikeliness of the existence of a sufferer of Portnoy's Complaint being given the suffix of "..with a heart of gold" convinces me all the moreof the veracity of the "beating the bishop" argument.

Having scouring the the learned posts on ASW done in this arena by my betters, I took details of this worrying syndrome (and the slightly more worrying "ASW by proxy" as demonstrated today by Volker on Ben) and presented them to GIMBO (Grumpy Irish Middleaged Boozers Organisation) down at the Friday night caucus in the Harbour Bar Portrush. We had these insights, which I will share with you like it or not.

1. Dealing with the desire to indulge in ASWing
Ask yourself do you really want to post. It is true that most ASW sufferers have one good post in them but in general that is exactly where that post should stay. If you find yourself with a deep and burning desire to express yourself creatively this is probably ASW, don't listen to that silky voice! Have a nice cup of tea and some toast and allow the desire to dissipate naturally.

2. If you can't help it... remember the words of Groucho Marx ... "an amateur thinks it is funny to dress a man as an old lady, put them in a wheelchair and push them downhill towards a stone wall. For a professional it HAS to be a REAL old lady" ... so if you are going to do it ... do it well!

3. Doing it well.. remember that your wonder-code it not merely just happen, it "... came to you howling in it's throbingly bestial beauty in an orgiastic splatter of sheer brilliance... " if you are going to pull your own todger it is best to do it with style.

4. Get as many sexual innuendos in as possible, the punters love it! Where possible sprinkle these in your post ... pulsating keyboards, steaming trousers, quivering mice, tumescent debuggers, proudly pert keyboard nipples and my favorite ... a swirling ectoplasm of anguished breakpoints.

5. Handling the comments... being an out and proud ASWer will have its drawbacks .. unhelpful comments from an ignorant and uncaring public will being main amongst them. These take all the fun and ... tumescence ... out of your efforts, so get your own back ... one of my favourites is "listen mate i would love to help you out, ....which way did you come in?"

So in conclusion words of G.B.Shaw should ring loud and clear in all our ears.

"Physically there is nothing to distinguish internet society from the farm yard except that bloggers are more troublesome and costly than the chickens"

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