*** Breaking News ***
17 March 2008 13:00 GMT
Ballygobakaways - Co.Cavan Ireland
Ballygobakaways alien invasion nearly spoils Paddy's day parade.
Inhabitants of the Co.Cavan village of Ballygobakaways awoke to a bright March
the 17th morning full of the not unrealistic expectation that the St.Paddy's day parade
would be an occasion when good fun was had by all.
Windswept but good-looking (in a rough sort of way) Félim O'Crotchity (40), organiser of the
parade was first to notice the space ship as he passed by sexy stunner Fionnuala Fitzgiblet's (25)
barn. Unfortunately he dismissed it as the float prepared by their neighbours in Sixmilehole.
Sixmilehole is the next village up the road where Fionnuala had a sister, svelte busty Siobhan (28)
who had married the postman, craggy Anal O'Forlorn (27) who was wild keen on the TV show
The morning's preparation continued apace. Sprightly pensioner Irene O'Pleuresy (60) did a
valiant job keep Father Gonad O'Reilly (58) off the whiskey by demanding an emergency confession
that took from 9am till gone midday. The seal of the confession stops us reporting the details
but Fr.O'Reilly needed 2 cold showers and a bit of a lie down to recover.
As the parade, lead by the Ballygobakaway Young Farmers float, wound it's way down from the
parochial house on Fennian Street the crowd of onlookers was astounded to see a large silver
spaceship land at the junction of Fennian Street and Shebeen Road effectively blocking the whole
shebang from further progress.
A small door opened towards the front of the ship, a strange greenish mist billowed from the opening
An unknown wag in the crowd posited that this was "them feckin Anglicans from Derry wanting to
get in on the act" the laughter was soon silenced as a strange apparition strode out of the space
ship to stand arms akimbo in the centre of the cross roads.
"Jeeze Mary Joesph and the wee donkey too!" exclaimed gangly teen, Oisin McAcne,(18)
"weze are all for the anal probes now!" it should be pointed out that this reporter has been told
that Oisin has a wild notion for the flame haired temptress Scully from the X-Files and outbursts like
this are usually discounted as hormonal surges caused by exposure to large quantities of sheep dip.
However on this occasion the assembled villages drew a gasp and a collective buttock-clench that was done with such force you could hear the slap in Ahtlone. For it was plain to see that the alien did indeed grasp in it's 3 fingered hand something that looked very very like a large anal probe.
Sisters Concepta Unlikey and Immaculata O'Feelhim down to watch the parade from
the Shaven Sisters of Antioch convent at Muff fainted and were attended to by first-aiders
from the Order of Hibernian Gobshite Knights.
The Alien surveyed the people of Ballygobakaways and the people of Ballygobackaways
surveyed the Alien ... there was a long pregnant pause .. which ended when Sergeant O'Letsbehavinya
who had been approaching from the Garda station below, slapped a ticket on the space ship
for non-display of a valid road fund license and for parking like an eejit on a Bank Holiday Monday.
Taking the alien into custody the Sergeant was heard to say "come now ye wee slabbery shite, I've seen the movies you know! There will be no probing any of my civilians today or for that matter any day unless I'm the one doing it!".
The space ship was towed away and the parade continued without further incident.
Investigators from the Irish Fast Action Response Team (iFART) have been delayed because
there are no trains on a bank holiday but are expected to arrive this evening.