The Agony Auntie Spot - Banana Query

Here in Dominoyesmaybe we received this worrying query from an geek in an equatorial clime :-

Dear DominoYesMaybe
Perhaps you can help me? I have been observing monkeys out of the office window and you seem to an expert in chickens so I have a monkey related question you may be able to help me with. When monkeys fart does it smell of bananas?

Perplexed Geek

Well Perplexed Geek whilst there are plenty of chickens there are sadly no monkeys in Ireland so I did not feel my expertise was up to as complete an answer as you would expect from these hallowed halls. However I did ask a colleague Dr Noogerty McToogerty of Cork University's Advance Poo 'n' Piddle research lab and his response was to ask you a question in return in the hope that you will gain more from the experince than were you to get a straight one word answer... Over to you Dr McToogerty

"If you eat oranges solidly for an hour and then take a piss does it smell like you are an idiot?"

Fair Enuff?

The Agony Aunt Spot -The Thorny Matter of Pointer Size Pressure and Quantum Chickens

Dear DominoYesMayBe HELP!

I am an iSeries developer and I have a problem with my enormous pointer size.  My colleagues giggle behind my back and strangers point and laugh when they see me. I am very depressed.

Please help iSeries Geek
PS Sienna Millar... why?

Dear iSeries Geek

Stand proud! Let the world see your 16 byte pointer and let them bask in its teraspaced loveliness. You can be secure in the knowledge that those that laugh, smirk and make your life miserable are in fact suffering from intractable Pointer Size Envy.  Pity them, with their measly little 8 bytes flopping around in their parameter space! 

As to your query about Sienna Miller - Why not I know I would.

DominoYesMaybe

Dear DominoYesMayBe

I have a problem that is causing me nights of lost sleep
What came first the chicken or the egg?

Island Girl

Dear Island Girl

Rest easy! The answer is explained by the Quantum nature of chickens. The men with large brains and well starched white coats in CERN when  not trying to destroy the world have found evidence that Chickens exist at two quantum levels.

The chicken (or Gallus Gallus as we swots like to call it)  is in the same taxanomic group as Schrodingers Cat. Simply put the chicken shows Quantum Decoherence, as you (the observer) approach a chicken/egg complex it is flipping between it's quantum states. The wave funciton that describes the chicken/egg will then collapse in a therodynamically irreversable way into one or the other. It has been postulated that this collapse is effected by the theoretical "ommlette" force. This force acts on the Chicken/Egg complex and forces the resolution of a wave collapse that will result in an egg. When this force is not present the wave will collapse into a chicken just in time for you to observe it. 

The blinking monks of western nepal have developed a form of yoga that allows them to observe the chicken/egg wave complex in its unresolved form. However their technique involves learning to blink 15,000 times a second so this should not be attempted by the laity.

DominoYesMaybe

Dominoyesmaybe's new job as an agony aunt for geeks

In the current economic climate (oh I am starting to hate that phrase) we are all faced with uncertain times and as of last weekend I have started offering myself as an Agony Aunt for all your geeky angst. No problem is too icky or horrible for the dedicated and professional team of fellow geeks who will give you grounded and well thought out advice. We have so far helped Mr X with his microwaved cheesy bagel problem (melted cheese is SO hard to get out of nylon!) Mr Y with his compulsive administration disorder and Ms Z from her fear of airport security checks.

This week we look at interpersonal relationships

Dear Dominoyesmaybe,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as

Fishing 5.0,
Rugby 3.0 and
Golf Clubs 4.1.6a

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate.

DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind,
Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please goto: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 fixpack. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program .These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
Cooking 3.0 and
Hot Lingerie 7.7

Best of luck to you!
The Dominoyesmaybe Team

** Thanks to relationship specialist "Jim T" for his email input into answering this cry for help **