OH BUM! 9 days till UKLUG pre session panic and other things

9 DAYS TO GO TO UKLUG!!!

I am sat here in Casa McDonagh and I really should be doing 1 of 100 things other than writing a blog post. I have my presentation to finish, the example code to finish some corrections to a couple of web sites I help maintain. I am a world class procrastinator, were it not constantly postponed I could represent Ireland at the "do it tomorrow" Olympics.

One of the things that is delaying me are my most recent purchases... firstly my new shiney (apart from the bikkie crumbs and finger prints) copy of Richard Dawkins "The Greatest Show on Earth" which I have nearly finished. I suppose it is a signpost to the extent of my geekishness when the rest of the world seems to waiting for the most recent noxious fart from the literary arse hole that is Mr Dan Brown, here is me waiting with itchy fingers for a book on Evolution. It has to be said that I am not great fan of Mr Dawkins' non science writing, he rants a good rant but ranting is best confined to a page or two not complete books and has to contain at least a couple of truly offensive swear words. On the other hand when he turns his hand back to science he excells and "The Greatest show on Earth" delivers in aces.

The other sap on my attention span is the new album (do we still have albums?) from the dreadlocked Newton Faulkner "rebuilt by humans" the follow up to "handmade by robots" . I have no idea why I like this chap but I do. He writes a good song and sings and plays with such a distinctive style which you can feel the emotions he singing about...  check him out if you haven't already.



Anyway I better go and do some "real stuff" :-) If you are going to UKLUG see you there, please feel free to buy me drink

Shock Horror Coding Pencil High level Probe - I am speaking at UKLUG

Well it had to come sometime. ILUG, UKLUG, DNUG, Lotusphere all have a long and rich history of excellent speakers covering topics of interest with alacrity, elegance, wit and vigour. Well for an hour during UKLUG on the 8th or 9th of October that is all due to change, for tis on one of those days I will take the stage to deliver with my compadre in arms "Will" Bill Buchan an hours worth of fun filled romping around the world of RIAs.

So if you are coming to UKLUG in October , please stop by and heckle, we may be providing things to throw and Bill and I promise to make it more difficult by moving around a lot and filling the silence with geek chat delivered in a variety of strange accents at great speed. (Subtitles will be provided)

We will be expecting a certain amount of audience participation and if you are planning to attend you should start practising the following catchphrases now ...

"OOOOOOOH My life!"

"FECK! ARSE! DRINK! GURLS!"

"Could'nt find his arse with both hands and a Tom Tom"

"Flex? With this waistline I should cocco!"

"Warren ... I'm really an admin...honestly....please let me out"

You can find out more about what is going on here on the UKLUG SITE if you haven't made you mind up yet I would advise you to get your skates on as the books are is very nearly full which is testimony to the fact that the rest of the speakers are way way better than me!

UKLUG - Are you going? (the advert)

Preparing for UKLUG in Edinburgh #2 - Don't use the Scottish version of Vista!

It has come to my attention that several people when they heard UKLUG is happening in Edinburgh may have downloaded the Microsoft Vista Haggis Fix and Language pack to immerse themselves in the "Scottish Geek Experience" prior to journeying to the Scottish capital in October. This was very far sighted of you, but may have come as a bit of a shock.

If you did download this you may need some help understanding the commands. The Scotland edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads "WINDAES VISTA, Ye Ken!" It has a background picture of William Wallace superimposed on a St. Andrews Cross and is shipped with a Mel Gibson screen saver.

The Recycle Bin is called 'Thon Bucket.'
My Computer is called 'Thon Computer Thingie.'
Dialup Networking is called 'Phone the Bhoys.'
Control Panel is known as 'Daworkins'
Hard Drive is referred to as 'thon whizzy thing way maw porn onit.'
DVDs are referred to as 'thon wee plastic disc thingies.'

Other features:
- Instead of the standard error message you get a window covered with a picture of a turnips and the cheerful message "Aw fer feck's sake!"
- OK = 'ats fine'
- cancel = Get ti fuk ye baw bag
- reset = Och ye'd be as weel startin again
- yes = Och aye
- no = nae chunce mon
- find = if ye'd bothered to pit it in a safe place, ye widnae need to look for it noo
- go to = go'n ower 'ere
- back = back the wye
- help = geese a haun'
- stop = pack it in
- start = com on 'en
- settings = sittins
- programs = stuff whit daes stuff
- documents = stuff I hive done afore

Also note that Windaes Vista Haggis does not recognise capital letters or punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to Windaes Vista Haggis
- "Pincil an paper" is a word processor
- "Colurrinin book" is a Graphics program
- "Addinup" is the calculator
- "Andrex" is the notepad
- "Mawtoons" is the CD player
- "Pickies" is the graphics viewer
- "Tax records" is a program that creates an empty file

If you have problems please feel free to contact the UKLUG Etiquette and ferign baw bag's Liaison team.

Preparing for UKLUG in Edinburgh - a guide for Sassenachs and non Teuchters

UKLUG is approaching, OK it is in October (on the 8th and 9th to be exact) so it is still a small dot on the horizon of the Yellowverse some 194 days away. If you are planning on going I would advise you to get your skates on and apply now, for rumour has it that the places are filling up fast and "wait-listing" is not that far away!!

So nip over to http://www.uklug.info now and get your name down as an attendee or for that matter if you feel the urge to share some of your knowledge submit a session abstract ... I have ... but more on that nearer the time.

Last year I tried to prepare our more distant Noterati Colleagues travelling to ILUG for the Irish Culture Shock Syndrome with a series of blog posts. As ILUG is taking a well earned rest in 2009 I might as well do the same for UKLUG.

Now UKLUG is happening in Edinburgh, capital of Scotland home of the kilt, haggis, deep fried mars bars, bagpipes, whisky and golf. Now there is a scurrilous slur, probably started by the English, that folk from Scotland are a bit miserly. In fact is has been said (usually from a safe distance across the border) that Scottish folk are that tight with their cash they squeak when they walk.

THIS IS NOT SO! They are just "careful"

For example you may have heard of this occurrence at LS09

Four noterati went for a drink after Lotusphere in Orlando.
They turned a corner on the Boardwalk and see a sign that says, 'Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents'.
They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true. The barman says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?'

There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ordered a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis...shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 10 cents each, please.' The four men stare at the barman for a moment. Then look at each other...They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying,"That's 40 cents, please.' They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two martinis and so far they have spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?'

I'm a retired tailor from Boston ,' the bartender said, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I won $125 million in a Lottery and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime......wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.'

Wow!!!! That's quite a story, says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice a group of other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One of the martini drinkers asks the bartender,

'What's with them?'

The bartender says, 'Oh, they are the Scottish Lotusscript developer caucus They're waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price.'

This is UNTRUE it was actually the English Home Counties C-API and Embroidery Group!

Appendix #1 Index to Scottish Words in this post

Teuchter - (pronounced Chew-ch-ter) a person from the north of Scotland

Sassenach - (pronounced Sass-en-ack) a person not from Scotland usually English

** Hot News** UKLUG is open for registration!

OK Folks in the Yellow Bubble (tm)

The UKLUG Website is up and running and looking for folk to sign up as both Attendee's and Speakers. Warren Elsmore blogged about it here and you can rush over to the new sparkly wonderous xPage driven and skillfully crafted by Ideajam's Matt White web site here

There is no ILUG this year so attendance places will be in great demand, so i wouldn't leave it to late to book your place!

It is all happening on the 8th and 9th of October in Edinburgh, Scotland. I have my place booked and hopefully will see you all there!