Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts

Wednesday 15 October 2008

Joke of the day (American but rather good)

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year schoolchildren, using a bowl of Fruit Loops, the cereal with the hole in it.

He gave all the children the same kind of loop, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour. The children began to say:

'Red............cherry,' '

Yellow.........lemon,'

'Green..........lime,

'Orange.........orange.'

Finally the professor gave them all 'honey' loops.

After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.

'Well,' he said 'I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'...

One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled:

'Oh My God!!!! They're arse-holes !!'

Tuesday 16 September 2008

Best Taverna Joke 2008

In the last 2 weeks I have fraternizing with the nicest people on a totey (small) island in the Aegean called Alonissos (of which more later) much good food was eaten, drink drunk and jokes told. The best by a fairly wide margin was this one.. Ladies, Gentlemen geeks and GONADS let me introduce "The Baptising an Irishman" joke

An Irishman, is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,
'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk shouts, 'Yes, OI am.'
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, OI haven't found Jesus.'
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus my brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No,OI I haven't found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again ---
But this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Are you sure dis is where he fell in?'

Monday 11 August 2008

JJOTD (Jolly Jape Of The Day)

Oh this is priceless!
Somerset council have paired up with IBM in a $400m outsourcing contract. One of their stated, on paper, there in black and white tasks is to understand the use of jargon and acronyms used by IBM.

I was once been told by an IBM HW engineer that one of our System 38s "had ceased to be operational because of an AMD failure"

"A what?" i replied
"An AMD failure" He restated
"Woz that?" I asked
"An Air Movement Device" He said
"Oh you mean a fan" sayz I
"No I mean an AMD, Fans just blow air, AMD's move air in a predefined and expected way"
I beat him soundly with a dead haddock sadly this only resulted in yells of
"Hit the BRS!"
"What is the BRS?" I enquired as the haddock once again smacked up side his head
"The Big Red Switch" He replied spitting scales from between his teeth
"The Big Red Switch? What Big Red Switch would that be"
"The Big Red Switch that stops you battering me on the bonce with a dead haddock"
"Oh" I said continuing to belabour him with the haddock only stopping when he promissed me a boondoggle, mind you he did have to explain what that was aswell

I wish Somerset Council the Best of Luck but I suggest that they have a reasonable supply of dead fish!

Friday 8 August 2008

The 10 office commandments

Came across this the other day in an email from a chum on the interwebthingie.
It is probably so old it has hair whiter than my own. But it was the first time I have seen it and it made me smile. PARTICULARLY VIII! I had to be very nice to stores for my postits so keep your F***ing hands off!

I. Thou Shalt Have No Other Life Beside Work

II. Thou Shalt Not Download Any Craven Images

III. Thou Shalt Not Take the Name of Thy Manager in Vain

IV. Remember the Sabbath Day to Work and Keep it wholy for productive and billable endeavours.

V. Honor Thy Punctuality and Confidentiality Agreements

VI. Thou Shalt Not Kill Time

VII. Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery On Office Furniture or Equipment

VIII. Thou Shalt Not Steal Thy Employer's Yellow Sticky-Notes

IX. Thou Shalt Not Wantonly Xerox Thy Posterior

X. Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Cubicle, Nor His Stapler, Nor His Three-Hole Punch

Sunday 29 June 2008

Friday 30 May 2008

My Worst Jokes of All time

How do you get down off an elephant?...
You don’t; you get down off a duck.

Or

Two men are out shopping for shirts.
They stop outside a shirt shop and one of the men points
to a rather fine hand made shirt in the window.
‘There’s the one I’d get.’
Just then, the owner- a cyclops- came out and punched him on the nose.

Or

“Hello there Mr Barman…..
(says nothing for 20 seconds)

…Could I have a pint of guinness(extra cold of course)
please….”

“sure, said the (friendly, of course) Barman,
But why the big Paws??”"

or

How many emo kids does it take to change a light bulb?
What do you care? You don’t understand!
or





Two cows in a field.

One says, “I’m very worried about this mad cow disease”.
The other says, “It doesn’t bother me, Im a squirrel.”

or
What’s the difference between a Lada and a Jehovah’s Witness?
You can shut the door on a Jehovah’s Witness.
or

How many Irish sons does it take to change a light bulb?

No,no, that’s alright - you go on out and enjoy yourself, and I’ll just sit here in the dark.

Sunday 25 May 2008

Things to remember in an Emmergency

Gentle Reader here is a very short post but contains vital information taken from the web site of

Her Majesty's Department of Vague Paranoia (HMDVP)

If you are involved in any emergency it is important to:
  • Run like hell, particularly if you caused the emergency.
  • Trample all others in your desperate attempt to escape.
  • Loot on the way out.


I believe these may have been taken directly from the ILUG 2005 speaker's handbook
I wonder was it copyrighted?

Obvious but it does need to be said. Visit the site for more information vital if you are abducted by aliens or attacked by aliens.

Tuesday 20 May 2008

Jean Luc Picard's Super Safe Seatbelt

Jean-Luc Picard Or Patrick Stewart if you will has with the Tech Team of Star-Trek developed not the warp drive, not the transporter but something almost as wonderful.

Sunday 11 May 2008

A very rare platypus joke

Just heard on the "News Quiz" BBC Radio 4 ....

Q: How do you turn a platypus into a R&B singer?

A: Stick it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers ....

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
oh My ~ wipes tear from eye ~

Thursday 8 May 2008

ILUG 08 a guide to Irish Idiom Part 10 - Noogerty O'Toogerty speaks out

An now a guest speaker who happened to be in town will guide you in recognising Irishness in yourself, take it away professor.....

Wednesday 7 May 2008

Indian Tech Support

When you make a call to your ISP's Tech Support and you are put thru to Sanjit or Rashid in Bangalore
spare a thought for the poor techies that support them!

It is well worth clicking on the picture to see it full size to get the "full" effect ...OOOO I love cables....!

A Psychiartric joke

Can't help it ... a "Watercooler" joke that creased me up when i heard it first and still does today when I heard it again ...

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Cling film (Saran Wrap). The psychiatrist says, 'Well...I can clearly see your nuts.'

[sfx of rimshot]

Friday 25 April 2008

A Dinner time joke for Friday

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for
over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself,
"It's certainly not a ship." As the speck got closer and closer, he
began to rule outeven the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit.
Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the
wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him,"Tell me, how
long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the
left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars
and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took along drag. "Faith and
begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten
how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers Irish
Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a
pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink." 'Tis nectar of the gods!"
shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long
front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the
trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played
around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in
there too!"

Monday 21 April 2008

ILUG 08 a guide to Irish Idiom for our non-irish guests Part 9

Oh My Gentle Reader .. so much to impart so little time ... ILUG starts in ... err... 6 weeks and one day! The ILUG team are all beavering away behind the scenes ensuring that it will run as smoothly and be as wonderful as the previous ILUGs. However gentle reader, and particularly the ones who are destined to impart their wisdom to the great un-washed Celtic Lotusian horde that time will move faster than a Chicken Naga through the instestine of a dyspepsic Quickplace administrator considering upgrading to Quickr. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! time is running out for those thrilling presentations and for you to practise witty repartee!

Anyhoos, I am going to take this post to have a bit of a moan about the slide into cultural uniformity that appears to be afflicting Ireland of late. Now many are the reasons for this particular problem however the sea change started when Ireland became a destination rather than a departure point for immigration. Now don't get me wrong I am all for multiculturalism and the like however there are great swathes of "irishness" being replaced by "euroness" and to be honest my main problem with that is that it is rather boring.

Take for example Aerobic classes. AEROBIC CLASSES? ... FOR MEN? Tis enuff for the average Irishman to know that anything useful (beer, whiskey and if pushed Vin...Rouge) is made AN-Aerobically. Therefore we know, deep down inside, that this AEROBIC stuff is probably not that useful. Coupled with the thought that this could all be a cunning marketing plan by the makers of Lyrca. Given that they designed a material that has no earthly use to any female over 90lbs and should be banned from male sports bags by international treaty, I am supposing they have invented Aerobics to get rid of all the non-valued stock they have.

Like cocaine ... simple jumping up and down was not enuff... then there was Jazzercize, Tae Bo, Step Classes,Bums'n'Tums (or Arses'n'Guts as it is known in Belfast) and the very worrying Cross-Trainer. Well I imagine that any trainer would be cross. I am sure lycra makes the old nether regions sweat and then chaff like crazy.

Having some gobshite in lime green and charisse lycra leap around like a mad thing yelling things like "Ok lets get Funcky with it" and "shake your booty till you feel the burn" is very possibly permissible if you are (a) from South Central LA or (b) you are in Spinal Tap (c) you are stark raving bonkers, but in Ireland on a wet Monday in April it is just plain silly! Large numbers of the population have been sucked into this conspiracy and now see nothing wrong squeezing their cellulite into pastel colured elastic and wobbling along to the latest ditty by Westlife or Boyzone.
MADNESS I SAY MADNESS AND THRICE MADNESS! Sitting on my arse watching the Rugby drinking tea and loudly demanding to be fed at regular intervals was good enough for generations of Patricks, Mickys and Oisins, it is damn well good enuff for me.

So gentle reader be aware that true "Irishness" may be harder to find in Dublin than you think, but be assured under the Nike Swoop and McDonald's arch, you can still find the odd trace of Molly Malone and hear the echo of her piscatorial advertising song.

Steve

Saturday 19 April 2008

Things that are difficult to say when drunk


THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon


THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. Anti-constitutionalistically

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

4. Transubstantiate


THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I'm married.

2. Nope, no more booze for me!

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.

5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

7. I'm not interested in fighting you.

8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!

9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.

10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

Friday 11 April 2008

Blasphemy - The ticket to hell has never been funnier

A word of warning .. the image below is rather blasphemous so if such things annoy you please don't click on it, for I would not like to offend. Well not often.

I was sent this today. and it kinda tickled my fancy.

Tuesday 8 April 2008

A joke, apropos of nothing...to end the working day.

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy street.

Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crossing, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the junction.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn and screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection causing her to drop her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed,
photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a police
officer approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the
booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal
effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up
behind your car while you were blowing your horn, give the finger to the person in
front of you, and using foul and abusive language. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus
Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' License plate holder, the 'Follow Me to
Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on
the back window. Naturally...I assumed you had nicked the car."

Monday 7 April 2008

Monday is just around the corner - Have you your excuse ready?

If you need some help with a Duvet Day Excuse try here

** Parental Advisory Warning **
This link above contains text of an adult nature that may be illegal in your jurisdiction
please check with your web administrator, mother, father or guardian before attempting
to click this link. It really is not for those of a sensitive disposition!


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