Friday 21 March 2008

Good Friday thoughts on the evils of Laundry

This being a religious day and all that I have choosen a passage from the Psalms, 106 verse 38, to start this post.
Thus were they stained with their own works and went whoring with their own inventions

This post is dedicated to my son and all other young men about to fly the nest and make their way in the world. Draw near and hear the wise words of your elders.

As you are all well aware when you are young laundry is done by the Laundry Fairy. In Ireland this role is taken by the Laundry Leprechaun. She slips silently into your room, usually on a daily basis and replaces all your dirty clothes with clean and ironed ones. Sadly the Laundry Leprechaun, like the lovely Veronica the Tooth Fairy, does not continue this wonderful practice into adult life, mores the pity. There comes a time when when every young man has to take care of their own laundering needs.

To quote the Hitchhikers guide to the Galaxy's front page "DON'T PANIC" with a little thought this crisis can be managed.

Laundry like pasta can be tested for it's nearness to the perfect "al dente"-ness. Simply throw your intimate garments at the bedroom wall and see if they stick. However do remember that this test means that only PASTA is edible! Having scraped the garments from the wall take them straight away to the bathroom where you should throw them into the shower or bath. Scoot into the kitchen and in that cupboard under the sink you will probably find a cardboard box, check the front and confirm it is washing powder as attempting to clean clothes with dried dog or cat food is not a good idea. Although it does make your clothes quite flavoursome, I personally recommend Tuna "Go-Cat" for those evening adventures than may not have food provided.

Sprinkle some of this aromatic powder onto the clothes and turn on the hot water tap. When the water is hot enough to kill all known germs, put on your wellingtons, get into the shower and start stomping on your underfrillies. There is little point being gentle so in my experience if you imagine you are trampling grapes in a vineyard on the Cote d'azur you will get the correct cadence for sparkling undies. Also if you are a fan of Riverdance, a good 4 hand reel double tap shuffle is also excellent for removal of those extra stubborn stains.

Since you are in there, have a look around, experiment with the taps perhaps even have a wash yourself, no point in wasting the hot water given the price of electricity these days. A word of caution unless you want to end up with an alarming "dazzling blue whiteness" don't use the washing powder you used for your clothes.

Even though Sister Xavier (of the order of the sacred bleeding carrot of St Crispin) told you that anything to do with your body was a sin, the human body is nothing to be ashamed of. Make sure you wash you-know-where and while you are at it wash there and under there too...Carefully. ..both of them.

Get out of the shower at this point, get dressed and have a cuppa ... once this is complete you clothes will be nice and clean but, and remember this, THEY ARE STILL WET! Putting them on now will result in a deeply unpleasant sensation not unlike having your best friend vomit in your pockets. The easiest way to get around this is to use the dryer, most modern houses have one and thanks to the wonders of embedded technology is called "the cooker". Pop your clothes into the oven, set it to 200 C (thats 392 F for our USian readers) and leave for 10 minutes. DO NOT FORGET THEY ARE THERE!!! There is nothing quite as unpleasant as the sensation of wearing very well done underpants.

Here endeth the homily, the collection will now be received....

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Excellent instruction. I have shared it with my soon to be teenager... although the part about washing carefully under "both of them' was interpreted differently, being that she's a girl.

Steve McDonagh said...

Anonymous ... I knew there was a a reason i didn't specify if it was above or below the belt :)

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