Items of new you may have missed #2

• Freddy Mercury's song writing snubbed by Olympic Committee
  

China's societal self-improvement in preparation for the 2008 Olympics continues a pace.It was reported in the Daily Telegraph this week that the Beijing Tourism Bureau ordered hotels to re-translate English signs, hoping to avoid such notorious past gaffes as "Racist Park," which is now "Park of Ethnic Minorities," and a cafe's attempt to salute Western visitors with "Welcome, big nosed friends." The Beijing Olympics Committee has been training hostesses for months to stand in military-like precision, straight enough to hold a sheet of paper between their knees, and to smile continuously, showing "six to eight teeth" (even if placing a chopstick in the mouth sideways is necessary for practice). There are height and weight requirements for the hostesses, and each must have an upper- to lower-body ratio of no more than 11:13, to eliminate, according to local newspapers, "big bottoms." - FOR SHAME have they never heard that salute to curvaceous booty "big bottomed girls" by Queen ??

• Arseing around in Colorado
  

(From the Denver Post) Leo Hill, 81, of Lakewood, Colo., that he was being shafted by the manufacturer's of toilet paper He has taken a sample of 5 brands of 12-pack toilet rolls and (can is say anally?) counted each sheet of the 60 rolls and concluding that the shortage amounted to enough paper to service one bottom cleanse per roll! FOR SHAME! He took his complaint to the Denver Post (and even to the Better Business Bureau), but it was found by both of these august bodies that the number of bottom wipes per roll was infact correct. This writer wonders if the times when you are perhaps too forceful and poke your finger thru the paper and swear loudly are counted as "wipes" or were they "aborted" or "semi" wipes?

• Mrs Tiggywinkle is a WMD! (ok a WMP the P is for Punctures)
  

A man in New Zealand has been accused of a prickly attack on a teenager - using a hedgehog as a weapon.

William Singalargh, 27, is said to have launched the spiky creature at a 15-year-old boy in the North Island east coast town of Whakatane.

The animal was later discovered dead but it was unclear whether it was alive when it was thrown.

The youth suffered several puncture wounds and a large gash to his leg but did not need hospital treatment.

Police arrested Singalargh shortly afterwards and was charged with assault using a weapon "namely the hedgehog".

It is believed that Flopsy, Mopsy, Cotton-tail, and Peter,the highly trained squad of Beatrix Potter Niinja's has been dispatched from St.Tiggywinkles to investigate.It is said that they carried the 5 leafed Lettuce of Doom! This writer awaits developments with baited breath.