Sunday 6 April 2008

Irreverence to door step evangelists

Over on Panagenda's Blog there is a post about a visit he had from the Jehovah's Witness it sounds as if Florian gave the man a polite but firm dismisal. Sadly gentle reader when they come to the front door of the McDonagh clan they seldom get quite what they expected. Over the past 25 years there have been many visits and for a while I thought they (the JW's) had created a special "Bring enlightenment to the Pagans Wing" but perhaps I was just getting a tad paranoid. To start with a simple firm "no thank you" was enough but it would seem that there was a clip board somewhere with a check box against my address that put me on the "re visit - a lot" list.

Now to be fair, as a devout agnostic I allow for the existence of all deities even the Flying spaghetti Monster so I generally make it a rule to tolerate those of faith as long as they don't start appearing on my doorstep, uninvited and start spouting whatever brand of absolute truth their particular deity is fond of. It becomes, in my eyes anyway, a sort of in your face spiritual spam which sadly Messagelabs can do nothing about. After all I don't appear in the JWs services and start singing "The Internationale" and quoting Nietzsche. Although the thought has crossed my mind. The crunch came one day when a JW, his wife and assorted little JWs appeared at the door. A JW posse intent on once and for all convincing me that Jehovah, like Persil, would wash my soul a more dazzling blueish white than the combined forces of Methodism, Presbyterianism, Judaism, Zoroastrianism or Islam. Being told by a 10 year old that the world was about to end and that an eternity of teeth gnashing, torment and being made to administer Exchange 5.5 for "old nick" was the straw that broke the camel's back. The conversation went something like this... (names changed to protect the guilty)

JW Minor (approx 10 years old) handing me a leaflet.. Good afternoon. Can we talk to you about the future?

Me .. No thank you

JW Minor .. It is really very important you know your soul could depend on it.

Me .. No honestly I would rather not.

Daddy JW incredulously.. You are not worried about the fate of your eternal soul?

Me .. No not in the slightest.

Daddy JW .. Ah you must be saved then?

Me .. No, but i was talking to god last Wednesday and she didn't mention anything about it.

Mummy JW .. [GASPS]

Me .. I am a Follower of Daanau. My family tree is ancient and we trace our roots back to the Tuatha De Dannan. Every Wedensday we meet in an oak grove beside the river and have a bit of a bonfire, drink mead and sing songs. If she feels like it Daanau comes down and has a bit of a chat and lets us know what she would like us to do, not do and what her plans are. You are more than welcome to come along, she likes to meet new people and she is intimately acquainted with your Jehovah. Although she says he can be a bit morose at times always wanting to smite things, appear in burning bushes or send out gangs angels with burning swords. She told us that the world is not going to end any time soon unless we do it ourselves. The future, it seems, is in our own hands.

Daddy JW who has gone a bit pink .. Blasphemy!!

Me .. It is always a good thing when you come to the self realization of your own ideological failings.

Daddy JW .. Not me, YOU .. there is only one god and he is Jehovah!

Me .. Nonsense there are LOADS of gods, the Hindu's have millions which can make prayers quite long. I have accepted the fact that Jehovah exists and paid him no disrespect so how can you consider that blasphemy? Are you saying that Jehovah in the past did not smite, appear in burning bushes or send out angels with firey swords? Is Daanau mistaken in her character assessment?

Daddy JW ... errrrrrrr

Me .. I am finding this conversation rather hard at the minute because when we talk about Daanau we should really be naked. It is a hard and fast part of our religion.So could i ask you to step inside and remove your clothes if we are to continue in this vein.

Daddy JW .. I WILL NOT!

Me .. Now come on that is a bit rich. You come to my door uninvited and expect me to listen to you tell me a god i have have met and talked to doesn't exist and you aren't willing to respect my sincerely held religious beliefs in the furtherance of your aim to save my soul. Sorry that is just a little bit hypocritical. However I will let that pass. I however will have to take my clothes off ....

I start to unbutton my shirt. I get as far as the third button when ...

Daddy JW .. Stop! There are children present I cannot allow this! I think we had better leave now.

They turn en mass and scurry down the drive

Me .. OK not a problem, but I have to say the Mormons were much more accommodating, they had a cup of tea, a ginger biccie and a nice chat.

I have never had another visit. Do I feel guilty about the disrespect I paid this family and their beliefs? No i don't , they threw me the ball and I simply hit it in a different direction to what they were used to. You don't want that to happen ... don't throw me the ball.


Thomas "Duffbert" Duff said...

See... we statesiders are used to sports analogies, but most all our sports involve hitting the ball back in the opposite direction from whence it came. You go and pull that cricket stuff on us and hit the ball even further in the same direction the pitcher was throwing it.

We can't handle that type of stuff. :)

francie said...

You are my hero!

Wonder if that would work for me here on Anguilla!

Nate said...

Francie, I think the problem is that if you started to take your shirt off, they wouldn't be running AWAY.

Silly goose.

Steve McDonagh said...

@Tom ... not cricket, that involves gratuitous use of tea drinking and cries of "howszat"...Try Hurling, or as Wild Bill would know it Shinty, or as it is affectionately known "whaling into some gobshite way a big stick".

@nate ... I am deeply hurt, sure you known my dopplegangers are a German gay porn start and a gay celebrity USian Chef. I can't be THAT bad looking and I do moisturize daily, well I stand outside in the rain.

@francie, I have had a word and the big boss lady (Daanau) says its fine. But she adds the proviso that it would be best if you were not wearing agent provocateur underfrillies at the time as she does not want JW heart attacks, strokes or other serious medical conditions that could be brought on by intense stimulation blamed on her. It also helps, (even though it grieves me to agree with Nathan on this) to have been...errr... hit with the ugly stick a few times to use this method to best effect.


francie said...

I now MUST have some scanty "underfrillies" printed up from here

And just for the record, the last batch of JW that came by two days ago were two older ladies, so this whole thing just might work out!

Steve McDonagh said...

@Francie .. In that case I would go for it! ;)

wild bill said...

omg. Nice one.

Mate of mine did something horrible a long time ago in deepest glasgow.. He invited them in, gave them a cup of tea, and stood in front of them.

'Lads', he interrupted their babble. 'Dont you recognise me?'

"I'M JESUS!" he shouts!

Two seconds later, front door slams. No more visits...

And as for francie and her choice of pagan 'sunday best'.. We did have a set of 'FirM' underpants made up for a Lotusphere.. Sigh.. My rather more serious business partners almost died..

Its scary whats happens down in the business showcase..

---* Bill

Steve McDonagh said...


LOLOL that is a real cracker. I will so have to try that if they ever come back!

Mind you FiRM underpants does remind me of a chum I had at Uni whose picture was found in the dictionary under "english public school boy". For the first term we thought he had some form of gait problem with his hips. However he was away from home, nannies, matron and all the other ladies that kept the British empire running and one of these paragons of Englishness had provided Phil with a typed up guide to laundry. Unhappily these instructions mentioned a quarter cup of startch. Phil unable to find a cup in the laundry room used a pint glass. His underskivvies were well and truly "viagra-ed". Thankfully we showed him how to do laundry the proper "student" way.. (ie get your Girl Friend to do it) ... (yes i am NOT proud of that) and he was then able to walk without sanding his bollox and thighs to a wonderful glossy shine.

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