Because, gentler reader, to use it in car you have to let go of the wheel with both hands! (Well for some users anyway)
This is going to be a BIG rant cos I am well past incandescent and now into the far ultraviolet of annoyance.
I make no apologies other than I may slide into rather painful invective from time to time.
I was, as is my wont, commuting home from work. Well it is not a real commute per se as I only live 4 miles from work so I suppose "going home" is a better description. As usual I was mounted on my trusty motorcycle as I have for nearly every day for the last nearly 30 years. Now as a motorcyclist that has survived that long on 2 wheels I am used to the frankly appalling lack of skill exhibited by those that pilot moron-carriages, sorry, car drivers.
I have both been taught and learnt the hard way how to drive defensively. This is a skill all motorcyclists pick up quickly, we have to because there is something that happens when a human being gets behind the wheel of a car.
I believe I know why there is this supposed affectation with cup holders in cars, they aren't cup holders at all ARE THEY???? They are skillfully marketed platforms to rest brains on whilst the owners drive. Just get in, buckle up open the skull and take fecking brains out and then they too can sit in air conditioned smegging luxury whilst their owner bereft of any intellect, motor or social skills what so ever tries to mow down all 2 legged and 2 wheel road users with your fecking bull bar fitted Chelsea fecking tractors. If I hear another cheery "sorry mate didn't see you" as some bollix drives away in a choking miasma of complete pillock-ery!
What the feck do they need bollxing bull bars for when the nearest it gets get to a smegging bull is the butchery counter at fecking Sainsbury's when doing the bloody weekly shopping? 4 Wheel Drive...?? 4 wheel drive...?? what the F**k for ? In case the tarmac gets a wee bit slippy ??? who knows. I don't really care that much about those wheels. Its the ONE wheel grasped (or not) by the kamakasi twonk that might just kill me , that's the one I would like to be under control.
I digress.. there was me on my way home, in the "slow" lane of the dual carriage way the fast lane being full of SUV driving relatives of the banjo player from Deliverance. At the end of the dual carriage way is a roundabout with 4 exits and a big and i mean BIG flowerbed in the middle of it. I am toodling along, being very careful to be aware of the tonnage around me because I don't have airbags and roll cages and crumple zones and fecking cerebellum holding pop out thingies to protect me.
Beside me is a lady of around 30 in her "cotton candy" pink Toyota Rav4 (with bull bars) she is steering the car at 40mph in traffic with her FECKING KNEES! One of her hands is busy holding an iPhone balanced on the sterring wheel hub, the other is fiddling with the screen with her index finger.
My complete twonk radar kicks in and I slow down to avoid being beside or even worse infront of her. This is much to the annoyance of the Nissan 9000hp 14 ton IMASTUDBUTIHAVEAVERYSMALLWILLIE V12-7 seater MoronCarrier behind me who blares his horn in irritation. No great problem for me.. but for the cotton-candy-Rav4-driving-iPhone-using-brain-dead-zombie-princess it came as a bit of a shock.... so she braked.... this necessitated moving her knees away from the wheel to enagage both clutch and brake.. OH DEAR WHAT A QUANDRY!!!! Drop the iPhone and steer or pray to whatever celestial barnacle god that Pink Rav4 owning arseholes pray to for assistance?
Sadly the barnacle god wasn't listening (like most gods) and the 4 wheel drive 2 ton Barbie wagon slewed to the left, right into my lane which I had vacated not 15 seconds before. Thankfully I was well back by this stage. She bounced off the left hand kerb and headed back to her own lane which was now sadly full of 18 wheeler truck that had slowed to negotiate the roundabout. At this point I think she must have dropped her iPhone because back into my lane she came, this woman was harder to get rid of than a dose of Herpes. It would appear that having to drop your iPhone in the middle of browsing the web, doing your biorhythms or checking on your Big Smegging Brother SMS messages (£1.50each ... 20p of which goes to chaaaaaaaarity, Text "F**KOFF U SAD W**KERS" to 28110 to end messages at any time) has the side effect of making you temporaily unable to use brakes, because she drove straight out onto the roundabout narrowly missing a cyclist as she did. She mounted the kerb that surrounds the BIG flowerbed in the middle of the roundabout and ended up parked amidst the pansey and petunias!
Getting out of her car to survey the damage what did she do ?.. she went looking for the Fecking iPhone ... not did i hurt anyone ... did I cause other collisions .. did I damage my car.. but where the f**K is my sodding iPhone!!!!!
Oh how I laughed..!
Beware iPhone users in Northern Ireland ... if i see you caressing your touch sensitive screens when you should be avoiding putting me in hospital (or in a coffin) I will follow you home and jump up and down on the fecking thing in my steel shod biker boots until it is nowt but a pile of stylish crushed but very sharp bits and then I will insert each jagged piece up YOUR ARSE until you learn that being a dickend results in not being able to sit or shite without bleeding for a month!
End of rant .... Normal service will now be resumed.
