Saturday 25 April 2009

The Weight Loss, Wallace and Gromit Boxers, Clothes shops and Lingerie Rant

During my 2008 annual trip to the doctors I was told "Everything you do is BAD for you ... so STOP IT" as a result of being in the late ultra-violet of my adolescence such prognostications from your local doctor, shamen or wise woman should not be ignored.

So to cut a long story short, I reduced my calorific intake from one that when added up on my calculator required it to be expressed with exponentiation (you know ... when that "e" appears in the middle of a big number) to one that only had 4 numbers in it and I started to walk ... briskly ... while glowering at teenagers who were to a spotty sullen hoodie garbed androgynous individual skinnier than me ... bastards!!

12 months has passed since I started my lifestyle change the bathroom scales have stopped trying to hide every Saturday morning and no longer require Prozac. I have to pass on my thanks to Rob Novak who pointed out that weighing yourself AFTER your shower could add a pound to your weight, so weight watchers .. this is important ... weigh yourself, POST visit to the toilet, POST shave but PRE breakfast and PRE shower to minimise the distance your scales needle has to move!

I have lost nearly 28 lbs and now none of my fecking trousers fit! This came to a head (or an ankle in this case) on Friday when I discovered that if I jumped up and down vigorously OR had more than £3.76 in small change in my pocket, my work combats gradually worked their way over my hips and if not stopped would leave me deeply embarrassed ... particularly if I am wearing my Wallace and Gromit Boxers with the light up, glow in the dark LED eyes.

I should have realised this would happen as I can now look down and see both of my feet without having to wave them like an eejit cockney pearly king doing the hokie cokie on the Queen's birthday. So today I had to do that thing that no grown man should have to do more than once every 10 years, I had to go shopping for clothes and actually do more than pretend interest.

I discovered that I am not longer a generous 36" waist. I am a comfortable 34" and even more wonderful is that if I lie down flat and use a coat hanger with the hook through the eye of the zip and pull like a mad thing for half an hour I can just about get a 32" waist past my hips! I am so proud :-)

I bought a nice pair of trousers and as it is the start of the "less rainy season" in Ireland a pair of suitably restrained "where is my surf board dude?" shorts and lastly a Belt so that I get the wear out of the 36" items in my wardrobe but do not expose my Wallace and Gromit's to the world at large ... #WIN #WIN #WIN!

However what is it with clothes shops "tryin' on" rooms?? There I am with my selections wanting to try them on to see if I can strut my stuff in sartorial elegance and where do the shop designers hide the cubicles?? In the fecking Lingerie section. Don't get me wrong, I like ladies to have the odd bit of lacy frippery as much as the next chap but I do not have to walk thru racks of thongs, bras and whale bone reinforced gussetted underfrillies on my way to try on my prospective purchases.

I need an quiet avenue of suits, ties and shirts with the odd sycophantic sales person bowing to me at every opportunity and muttering the sacred mantra of men's apparel "suits you sir.. oh yes suits you". What I do NOT need is a 6'x3' picture of a lady in her underfrillies informing me of the virtue of the new blue satin bra with inflatable pouches so you too can go from a 34a to a 36C with just a bit of puffing and blowing. I do NOT need independently inflated cleavage satin clad or not! AND I most certainly do NOT want to see an octogenarian lady holding up a black lacy thong to her waist in front of a mirror! Now don't get me wrong, octogenarian ladies should feel free to buy and wear black lacy thongs and when and if I hit the 80 mark I hope they do! For now I just don't need to be an on-looker in her purchasing experience. #shudders#

So all you shop designers out there, get the finger out and put your male changing rooms somewhere else. Guide us through the retail experience with gentle hands, by all means direct us as to what is and what is not cool this season, but please please pleeeeeaaaase end this inhuman practise NOW!.

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