Wednesday 4 February 2009

25 things that piss me off - The Facebook Anti-Meme

I have been tagged several times in the Facebook "25 random things about me" and last night I succumbed and slapped up 25 VERY random things about me, which involved the knicker elastic of Dutch prostitutes, Nuns in my bed and other strange and wonderful things.

However being a ranter of some regard I am tempted to start my own meme of "25 things I hate" in the vein of "Room 101" here goes....they are in no particular order just as they come into my head.

01. Flowery Curtains - with or without matching cushions.Yes I know that they set the ambience for a room but FECK life is too fecking short for me to care or for that matter for me to notice.

02. Aga's - it is a cooker from the last century! Having one in your kitchen says to the world "I couldn't think of anything better to spend £3,000 on"

04. The new Volkswagen Beetle FECK it is an ugly expensive heap of marketing hyperbole and what is it with the bloody plastic friggin flower in a wee holder on the dashboard? It is the My Little Pony of cars.

05. Door step evangelists, although they can be good to taunt if you are in a good mood. Proof if proof be needed that Psychiatric Care in the Community is NOT working!

06. Philip Pullman - His entire ouevre is best used as toilet paper as least your bum would enjoy it!

07. Queuing in airports - why is it you are always sandwiched between people to whom the idea of preserving your personal space is a total anathema and you can't slap them or security get cross.

08. Bad Shopping Trolley drivers - why is it that I find myself apologising when a ton of chicken breasts, jaffa cakes and cornflakes piloted by an inattentive fellow shopper separate my Achilles tendons whilst I ponder the nature of frozen peas?

09. Any advert that mentions something like "Oxyboxytoxymoxyanol" is good for Hair/Skin/Periods .. are women really that stupid? - In Casa McDonagh the tag line "Cos Im Worth it" is usually followed by "Aye worth a good fecking poke in the eye with a sharp stick"

10. Ant and Dec - In the proverb dictionary under "empty vessels make the most noise" is a picture of these demons from the darkest pits of hell grinning inanely and prancing around in a way that makes grandmothers go weak at the knees and start to think of lacy underwear.

11. Talking of Grandmothers .. Daniel O'Donnel ..... nuff said there i think

12. IKEA - God almighty what a horrible but nicely decorated place. Last time I was there I discovered a squad of Duke of Edinburgh's Gold Award candidates who had been tasked with finding the purchase pick up point as part of their 3 day expedition. Poor souls had got lost in the Shaker Kitchens section.

13. Lycra see here for details

14. Very formal variable names what is wrong with Dim AmberArseMagnet as New Doobry ?

15. Being tidy ... sod the conventional thinking that it equates to a tidy mind embrace your mess and call it nice names!

16. Lilly "what-a-talentless-squeaky-toned-mockney-jumped-up-wee-bitch-and-a-complete-waste-of-fecking-time" Allen

17. Which leads me to Coldplay.. lead singer Chris Martin is a Onanist masquerading as a lycrist. He massages his lyrics in the same way a 14 year old boy left alone with a copy of "Tits and Bums Monthly" does only Martin's lyrics have less pleasure and the only kleenex required are for tears of pain and loathing. Their melodies have the same mass-produced "character" as the pictures that hang in a Holiday Inn lobby and all of Coldplay's albums sound like the audio equivilant of syrup of figs , cures your constipation but gives you the shits!

18. People who claim to speak "for me" or "for the people of Northern Ireland" or "all right thinking people" all these phrases are usually followed by something that makes my blood boil and makes me reach for my "pithy" pencil to dash of a sternly worded rebuke.

19. The transition from "disgustingly young" to "merely disgusting" was harder than puberty but had less acne and there were no self help books.

20. When you go to a big gig, the twonk in front of you hoists his girlfriend onto his shoulders and takes it personally when you inform him that you paid 60 quid to see The Foo Fighters and not his floosy's big fat arse. Ditto Umbrellas at outside concerts, it is fecking Ireland ... it rains ... get wet like the rest of us. What sort of person goes to a rock concert with an umbrella? (Ok I would possibly run with a black leather with studs brolly if such a thing exists)

21. Standing at baggage reclaim in clothes that looked cool and happenin' on holiday but totally fails in the non-holiday context.

22. Getting blow back while inflating an air mattress by mouth,ooooo nasty

23. USB rage - you know when your favourite shagging dog, poledancer , coffee warmer suddenly stops working and you fly into an uncontrollable temper.

24. Having sand up the shoughs of your arse. (shough of your arse = your bum crack). When 17 it was an acceptable pain if accompanied by a bit of grope with the girlfriend. In middle age it is just deeply deeply annoying.

25. People who decorate ice cream vans ..... are they DRUNK when they do it or are they totally incapable of drawing Micky Fecking mouse, Picatu or Captian America? It's not hard to find someone with a smidgen more artist talent than a sloth on acid.

Hmmm 25 things didnt take long it is a lot easier to find things that annoy me .. so come on bloggers get ranting and show Facebook the dark underbelly of their meme.

Disqus for Domi-No-Yes-Maybe