Wednesday 30 September 2009

OH BUM! 9 days till UKLUG pre session panic and other things

9 DAYS TO GO TO UKLUG!!!

I am sat here in Casa McDonagh and I really should be doing 1 of 100 things other than writing a blog post. I have my presentation to finish, the example code to finish some corrections to a couple of web sites I help maintain. I am a world class procrastinator, were it not constantly postponed I could represent Ireland at the "do it tomorrow" Olympics.

One of the things that is delaying me are my most recent purchases... firstly my new shiney (apart from the bikkie crumbs and finger prints) copy of Richard Dawkins "The Greatest Show on Earth" which I have nearly finished. I suppose it is a signpost to the extent of my geekishness when the rest of the world seems to waiting for the most recent noxious fart from the literary arse hole that is Mr Dan Brown, here is me waiting with itchy fingers for a book on Evolution. It has to be said that I am not great fan of Mr Dawkins' non science writing, he rants a good rant but ranting is best confined to a page or two not complete books and has to contain at least a couple of truly offensive swear words. On the other hand when he turns his hand back to science he excells and "The Greatest show on Earth" delivers in aces.

The other sap on my attention span is the new album (do we still have albums?) from the dreadlocked Newton Faulkner "rebuilt by humans" the follow up to "handmade by robots" . I have no idea why I like this chap but I do. He writes a good song and sings and plays with such a distinctive style which you can feel the emotions he singing about...  check him out if you haven't already.



Anyway I better go and do some "real stuff" :-) If you are going to UKLUG see you there, please feel free to buy me drink

Wednesday 16 September 2009

A JS/CSS based star rating system for web pages

I was working on a project tonight that needed a "star" rating system and I had one from a while ago that you may find useful.

It works like this.

I have an image that is 20px wide and 40px deep
In the top 20x20px I have an empty star
In the bottom 20x20px I have a selected star like this




If I place this image as a background in a block type element sized 20x20px with a CSS style of background-position: left top; the user will be presented with the empty star. If on the other hand I position it with the CSS of background-position: left bottom; you will see the selected star.

So all I need to do now is create an HTML
(1) that has a hidden field for me to store the value that will relate to the number of stars selected
(2) that has a table were each cell is sized to be 20x20px
(3) where each cell has CSS with a background-image of my star picture
(4) where each cell as an onmouseover event that changes the css so that the background image's css is changed to be the bottom portion of the background image.

If it all works you will get something like this (sorry it is off site.. but blogger wouldnt play ball with the JS)

The code for the page in the link above looks like this . feel free to take and use as you see fit.. however if you do drop me a comment.. I like to feel i am being useful ;-)

<html>
<head>
<style>
.star
{
background-image: url(star_rating.gif);
background-position: top left;
width: 20px;
height: 20px;
cursor: pointer;
}
</style>
<script = 'javascript'>
function star(a)
{
// reset all stars to blank
for(var t=1;t<=5;t++)
{
document.getElementById(t+"star").style.backgroundPosition="left top";
}
// Set new value in hidden field
document.forms[0].likeem.value=a;
// Set new value for display
for(var t=1;t<=parseInt(a);t++)
{
document.getElementById(t+"star").style.backgroundPosition="left bottom";
}
}
</script>
</head>
<body onload="star(3)">
<form>
This field below normaly be hidden <br>
<input type='text' id='likeem' name='likeem' value=""><br>
Now move your mouse over the stars below</br>

<table cellspacing='0' cellpadding='0' border='0'>
<tr>
<td id='1star' class='star' onmouseover= "star(1)"></td>
<td id='2star' class='star' onmouseover= "star(2)"></td>
<td id='3star' class='star' onmouseover= "star(3)"></td>
<td id='4star' class='star' onmouseover= "star(4)"></td>
<td id='5star' class='star' onmouseover= "star(5)"></td>
</tr>
</table>

</form>
</body>
</html>

Tuesday 15 September 2009

FireBug 1.4.2 in Firefox 3.5.3 suddenly stopped working - END OF WORLD!

Just a quickie ("Ding Dong Matron![twirl moustache & wink laciviously]")
Found out after much headless chicken panicking if Firefox is set to "Not remember History" (Options / Privacy / History) Firebug suddenly stops working.. makes sense when you think about it but BOY did it give me a turn!

Monday 14 September 2009

Users Rule #1 "Never ever ever piss off your IT Dept"

I was informed of this today and any users out there that happen to read this take the lesson it relates and use it wisely in your own dealings with IT Depts!

A user recently asked for a particularly inane and silly thing to be added to their mail file buttons. The request was dealt with in a professional and prompt manner before being ripped up, soaked in petrol and set on fire in the car park as the Help Deskers danced naked around it singing rude songs about user idiocy.

On this particular occasion it was felt that "action" needed to be taken so the user recieved this email in his inbox -

Dear Colleague,
as part of our belt tightening and cost cutting corporate wide programs it has been decided that as part of Directive 22C-#A100 that all employees should now use both sides of an email.

This will significantly reduce overhead and will contribute greatly to the company's plan to be totally green by April 2010. To facilitate this you will see a "RECYCLE" button at the top of your Inbox, please were ever possible use this when creating a new mail.

Our development team have created encryption techniques that totally obfuscate the other side of the email so there is zero risk of sensitive mails being read by unauthorized personnel.

Your immediate co-operation is expected and appreciated,

Yours
The ****** Collaboration Team"

The button was duly added to the mail file template with a simple @command ([compose];"memo") behind it

To the reporters knowledge the user is using the "other" side of emails even now much to the amusement of the team of BOFHs

Sunday 13 September 2009

Whats new in Domino 8.5.1 (redacted to protect the guilty)

Recently I had a chat with one of the people "in the know" and he/she/it was effusive in his/her/its praise for the forth coming and long awaited release of ver 8.5.1, this is what he/she/it told me ...

Domino 8.5.1 is very ------------ It will probably be on ----------- and as part of LotusKnows it will contain a free ----------- which not only vibrates at 1200Hz and can be used to ------ kettles can also be used for ------------- and ------------ but that is really only useful if you are a ---------------- with a penchent for doing ------------- to -----s

The new ------------ with added ---------- is really very useful and has been well received by all testers. ---------- now works as expected but can cause ------------- which may lead to -------------- and tears before bed. A series of Lotus videos will describe how to -------------- in glorious detail and technicolor ------------ but looks remarkably like --------- ----------- with a weasel in up his ----------- an effect that detracts from the overall production.

Changes to the ---------------- have removed all ---------------- from the -------- which is a great relief to anyone who has -----------------itis and uses curly ---------------s on a regular basis.

My contact was also keen to pass on the fact that xpages now come with ----------- which now allow you to -------------- and ----------- at the same time! MaryBeth does warn that this can lead to ------------- and ------------- and if left in place may cause your user's eyes to water. I for one look forward to this!

Performance issues have also been addressed with a vastly improved ----------------- and -------------- leading to ----------------------- but this is sort of like ---------ing with a ----------- warts and all !!

I for one am moist with and my -----------s are tingling with excitement

Monday 7 September 2009

The Sitting Down Committee minutes of the Domino Dander-ers Sept 2009

The sitting down committee (because standing just at the moment is not really that comfortable) of the Domino Dander-ers was held in Portallintrae, Country Antrim, Northern Ireland this weekend. (A "Dander" for my foreign readers is "a bit of a walk" in my very own Northern Irish lilting dialect).

The Committee was chaired by "Wander Woman", Eileen Fitzgerald because she has dandered up the great wall of China and sundry other things that go up as much as they go down and is the best qualified in all things of a dandering nature as she is in possession of not one but TWO camel pack's.

The rest of the team was made up of Matt White and Mark Myers who represented the marginially sensible phlange of the Domino Danderers and Bill Buchan and myself made up the quorum representing the "Old enough to know fecking better than to walk up that many steps without oxgyen, sherpas and a stannah chair lift " sub-committee.

The committee assembled using the good services of Easyjet, Stena Sea Link and the N1 from Dublin and all roads, ferries and planes converged on the small sea side town of Portballintrae where the comfortable if spartanlty furnished bus shelter orginally planned as our base was changed to the more wind and rain proof "Fermanagh Cottage" opposite Sweeny's Pub (bring your own towels in case the Vogon's invade), This change of venue also allowed for the use of a fridge to keep the beer, cider, wine, red bull, Iron Brew, Vodka, mars bars,Cadbury's Turkish Delight, black pudding and haggis at the correct temperature

Mr Myers and Mr White were first to arrive, followed closely by Ms Fitzgerald, who had unexpectedly (well for Mr Myers) brought several boxes of 2000AD comics for Mr Buchan. Mr Myers went into paraoxisms of delight and sat cross legged on the floor sorting them out into neat piles. Mr White, Ms Fitzgerald and myself looked on in wonder and exchanged quips of a slightly derogatory nature as is required when more that 2 geeks are gathered together in the name of domino.

Mr Buchan, duly arrived and in doing so both a critical mass and quorum was reached . The first sitting down committee of the domino danderers was in session. As I was driving home to Casa McDonagh I took my leave at 12:30am with strict instructions that we would be leaving at 10:45am to catch the bus and all members should be fed, watered and appropriately dressed by that time. Many raspberries where blown and wine bottles waved as I retreated into the midnight gloom.

Saturday started as is so often in the Irish Lesser Rainy Season with big grey clouds and the promise of showers, but it was mild and not too unpleasant as I set off to pick up the other Danderers from their overnight bacchanalia I was pleasantly surprised to find them sober and ready, having had a hearty full Norn Iron Breakfast.

Mr Buchan a neophyte danderer was most impressed with Ms Fitzgerald's Camel Pack and was offered the use of her spare pack. The rest of the committee had to physically restrain him briefy and explain that it should be filled with water and not beer, vodka or whiskey. Having "Fettled-up" we caught the bus to Ballintoy and started our dander.

We made a short detour to a "wee shop" so essential supplies could be purchased by Mr Buchan, namely 5 toffee crisp's which he assured us were not only the food of the gods but packed full of dandery goodness.
and off we set at a brisk trot down to Balintoy harbour. This is most of the committee ready to meet whatever nature would throw at them, note Mr Buchan's borrowed bondage Camel Back which he informed us
"Kept his boobs from wobbling to much". You can also tell this is at the beginning of the walk because
(a) we are all standing
(b) we are not all covered in mud.



From there we marched Briskly around the headland and onto White Park Bay beach where we were honoured by the sudden and all be it short appearance of a hot, bright yellow lotus logo in the sky. We where that surprised we felt we had to "point" it out.
From white park we scrambled around the base of the cliffs to the lovely small village (4 houses, a very very small chruch, and no pub) of Port Bradden. This bit of the walk was all relatively flat and mud less however it was around then we met the first folk from and Action Cancer sponsored walk going in the opposite direction it was noted by all the Domino Danderers that they were covered in mud and were puffing and panting rather a lot.
From Port Bradden we dandered at a respectable rate around to Dunservick harbour where The gentlemen tucked into Chocolate and the lady tucked into sensible high energy nuts and dried fruit. It should be noted that the rugby team in wet suits warming up for a spot of canyoning paid no part in Ms. Fitzgerald's accquiessence to a "bit of a sit" down at this point.
It wasn;t that much later when Mr Buchan asked "Are we there yet" , I informed him that "the pub was not that far away" and as you can see from this picture Mr White is shocked by the subterfuge as he unlike Mr Buchan actually knows how far a mile is..

...and on we dandered ...by this time we had moved off the flat and were starting to go up and down, rather a lot and every now and then a wall or fence would block our path. Mr Buchan had not loaded his "dealing with obstacles" library and I have to explain to him how a style worked, being a consumate professional Mr Buchan contructed a Web Service on the spot, conpiled it and to Ms Fitzgerald's dismay may it live without complying with the recognised change control methodology
We reached the half way point and had a bit of a sit down, a bit more chocolate (or nuts and fruit) a sip from Mr Buchans hip flask and took the opperturnity to have the committee's photo taken, After a brief and heated discussion about F-Stops, Apatures and how to get the automatic picture taker widget thingie to work the offical picture was taken

At this point we were sitting on a bench 3 feet from the edge of a 150 meter cliff, hence the general look that any competent body language reader will tell you is the "I am gripping this bench with both buttocks and NOTHING is going to make me let go"
Onwards and upwards we went.. onto the causeway itself. Which it has to be said was a lot more breezy that when we started. I managed to loose my wallet (it has since turned up having stayed on the bus and taken a 250 mile trip to Dublin) and Mr Myers "ran" (yes i said ran) at a brisk trot back to see if it was at the bench.. The rest of the committee were treated to a view of Mr Myers yomping along the top of the 150 meter cliff like a 6 foot 2 mutant ginger goat.
It was around this time that Mr Buchan fell a little behind us and was seen surupticiously putting his iPhone away.. shortly thereafter an Airbus appeared very low in the sky and attempted to lower a grappling hook for Mr Buchan ... we were not amused!!!
I said a VERY rude word. because he could have got one for me too,

Mr Buchan was that shocked by the rude word that he had to pause for a moment to collect himself and put out his ears which had spontaneously combusted


In Due course we arrived at the bit of the giant's causeway that most people recognise. The gentlemen decieded that a wee sit down was in order and duely did so.



Ms Fitzgerald needed a different sort of sitdown and having failed to convince a rather unsympathetic bus driver of the urgency of her need took off at a brisk trot in search of the the specialised seat that she required for a satisfactory period of sitting and going "Ahhhhhhhhhhhh". Having rested for a while the gentlemen plodded somewhat wearily after the quickly disappearing Ms Fitzgerald.

There were several periods of having to stop and look at the awesome view, and NONE of thse stops had anything to do with cramp, dodgey knees, exhaustion,dizzy spells or the fact that it was a VERY steep hill. Mr Buchan was told half way up the hill that it was only 200m to a pub and pulled the remaining dander-ers up the hill at a hell of a rate.

Safely installed under the "no spitting" sign beside the fire in the downstairs bar of "The Nook", several celebratory pints were consumed (coffee for the drivers) and after a short (90 minute) meeting (rest) the final 2 miles of the walk back to the cottage was completed.

After cleaning up (and cancelling all my credit cards) the committee reconvened in The Harbour Bar, Portrush where an excellent meal was consumed (Thanks to all for standing Val and I the meal and drinkies in my hour of need - in that i had a total absence of any method of payment) and t'was after midnite before the Danderers took to their beds tired and full of Strawboffee (ask Bill if you can get him to stop dribbling)

I have to add at this point that while Eileen and Mark are resonably fit and bounded along with an excess of energy, the rest of the pack were somewhat less endowed with this bountious exuberance and although I have done this walk several times it still makes my knees sore, leaves me out of puff and that last hill to the pub is a killer!!! So mucho mucho kudos to Matt, who is a fairly recent Dandering acolyte and Bill for whom this was the first "long" and "pretty hilly" walk, You did 13 and a bit miles of serious walking .... chaps we are proud of you WELL DONE!

It should also be noted that there was more drink left at the end of our weekend than we consumed. i know we should really hang our heads in shame.. but we WERE being healthy so .. perhaps it can be excused ;-)

It has been agreed that the Domino Danderers will be come a semi regular thing in different locations, and any Domino (or non domino) reader that wants to join us on a 10-15 mile wander through the countryside is more than welcome to don their dandering boots and come along :-) Watch This Space!

Perhaps we may get to the point of being able to joing the master and misteress of Domino Dandering (Warren and Kitty Elsmore) on the Moon Walk next year :-)

Thanks to all the Domino Danderers for coming over and sharing one of my "big" walks .. walking by yourself can be quite lonely, and I had great (and very sober) craic having you with me, you are all welcome back any time :-)

PS Oh and KUDOS to Eileen for the great pictures above that enabled me to take the piss out of Bill you can see them all here

Sunday 30 August 2009

Going for a dander (a bit of a walk) with the Noterati of UKLUG

Greetings blog-0-philes!

A bit of a break in the blogwriting of late, mainly due to a bad case of too many projects and not enough time at "the coal face". I believe our far eastern colleagues call it "interesting" times. Well may it be interesting but it does make one rather knackered and not enthused to either Tweet or blog.

Anyhows ... Next week end the 4-6th September I am playing host to Matt White, Eileen Fitzgerald, Bill Buchan and Mark Myers on a part of what is regarded as one of the top 10 walks in Ireland.


The assembled Noterati will be bunking up in North Antrim town of Portballintrae a wee speck on the map where the River Bush (of Bushmills Whiskey fame) enters the Atlantic and in a foot note to the annals of world history also the place where I got married.

On Saturday we will do around half of the xTreme Causeway Marathon Course, which sounds awfully exciting, but it is not really that extreme when you walk it, running it on the other hand is very probably not only extreme but very very very silly!

We will take the bus to Ballintoy a 20 minute chug up the road from Bushmillsand from there we will head off down the windy single carriage road down to the Ballintoy harbour, past the very weird Bendhu house.
this rather idiosyncratic building was build by hand by Newton Penprase a Cornish "blow in" and he started it in 1936 and still had not quite finished it when he died in 1977.







From Ballintoy harbour we will head westwards on the coastal path. This will take us to White Park Bay
a rather beautiful and protected beach surrounded by limestone cliffs and a site of the very early human occuptation of Ireland after the ice sheet that covered Ireland retreated (7500BC)
From there if the tide is out we can get around the headland to the tiny Port Bradden, if not it is up the hill along the road and then back down hill again. Port Bradden has one of the smallest concecrated churchs, St. Gobban's

From Portbraden we will plod on around the costal path, past caves, thru sea arches as the cliffs change from limestone to black igneous rock that signifies the start of the lava flows that formed the Giants Causeway some miles westward. The next place of note is Dunseverick castle
There is not a lot left of this particular promintory fort, St.Patrick is meant to have visited this fort in 500AD and there are myths that place a fort on this site back even futher.. Legend has it that Conal Caernach a local who served the king that lived in this castle was serving as a roman solider and is believed to have wittnessed the crucfixion on Christ.
From Dunseverick we start to gradually rise as we enter the Giant's Causeway itself, gradually up and over Benbane head, past Port na Spaniagh where the Spanish Armada treasure ship "the girona" was wrecked

From there the ground starts to drop off.. until we come to the shepherds steps and down we go back the costal path
At the bottom of the steps it is only a quick dander to the famouse bit of the causeway, probably one of the most photographed landsacpe in Ireland.
The causeway itself is made up of 10's of thousands of 5 sided basalt columns like this


Having done the "ooo ahhh look at that" it is back up hill again to the Causway entrance... now there is a Pub at the gate called "the nook" which may or may not be used for some R'n'R and people watching.. Then back on the path again.. Around Runkerry Head, along Runkerry beach..
Across the River Bush, and we are back in Portballintrae.
All told about 12 miles, (yes we are trying to break Bill)
We may be asking you to dip your hands in your pockets for a bit of a donation towards the Macmillan Cancer Support charity. Surely anything that may well reduce Wild Bill to a size that will allow a kilt to be worn at UKLUG is worth a few pennies? :-)
Anyway more of that later...
If there are any Norn Iron Noterati free on the 5th Sept. We may well be in the Harbour Bar, rubbing our feet and drinking Guinness and you are more than welcome to come and join us and buy us drink ;-)
Watch this space and Twitter for details of how we do on our "wee dander"

Friday 14 August 2009

Ruminations about cyberlife (Quite NSFW)

Tis Friday again gentle reader, I have had a nice beer or two and the weekend beckons with it's all too few arces of non-work and I am am sat in my inner sanctum, the book lined computer powered shoebox that combines, library, studio and workspace I like to call it my "think-a-torium". Now those of you who visit from time to time will be used to the circularity of my writing style, those of you who happen upon this post by accident, well I apologise now.

Being a time served geek, all be it not a stereotypical one, I have in my time, BBS'ed, IRC'ed, AIM'ed, Yahoochatted and more recently Skyped my way through many 100's of megabites of bandwidth without a care in the world. For sure having had the advantages of a "norn iron" birth has helped in forming the occasionally foaming gobshite I have latterly become. This is in part the reason for this post the other part is the Pope, old white nighty Rapsinger himself, came out the other week in sort of favour of Social networking but with warnings that we the users of same should avoid obessing.

Obsess ? Us? Surely not? We geeks are all terribly grounded and scoff at such mundane character flaws. For us the simple act of obsession is only a precursor, a spot of adolescent fumbling foreplay before we get down to the main course of being complete and utter eejits. A state amplified because most of our "virtual" lives are free from the visual and auditory feedback loops that for countless millennia have helped us avoid (most of the time) the slaps, knees in the groin, black eyes and broken noses. Alcohol has the same effect as over exposure to the the virtual world, it depresses that bit of us that is careful and considerate of others and able to see the warning of that slight narrowing of the eyes that tells you to back down.You can see that every Saturday night in the eyes of Policemen seconds after you attempt to twist the inflated breathalyser bag it into the shape of a french poodle.

I was on one of the chat clients the other nite, one I hadn't been on for some time and it has been overrun with female 'bots touting for click-thrus "Come to my site and see my sexy pics http://www.flatulent_trollop.com" it seems gone are the days of the cut and thrust of flame wars on IRC or the deep intellectual persuit of that perfect insult, the thrill of the well turned profanity trying oh so hard not to fall to Godwin's law in the alt.activism.death-penalty newgroup I wonder if that charisma bypassed dried up golum Dudley Sharp is still doing the rounds on there ... oh he was a characterless twonk, you would wind him up and watch him foam and froth for days :-) happy times.... I digress

This chat system was full of interesting names in every room ... 9andahalfinches4u, letmewigglemy48dd, stokeitharder56 (I think that may have been a spelling mistake unless there is a club for people who like to stoke boilers??) For once I felt my own handle of SlothfulGeekSocks was much more illuminating about me the real person than than 99% of my fellow chatters.

I was approached by one of the folk the chat went like this :

EvilStudMaster: Age/Sex/Location?

[I studiously did nothing my finger poised over the "ignore" button]

EvilStudMaster: I bet you never had a real man ... :-)
SlothfulGeekSocks: Yes I can honestly say that I have never had a real man ...

[Which is true, i was warned about that sort of thing at Sunday school]
EvilStudMaster: I'm Horny .. what sort of underwear are you wearing?
SlothfulGeekSocks: Marks and Spenser's value pack of 5 with reinforced gusset marvellous value for £5.00
EvilStudMaster: You are a Brit then? I like British women
SlothfulGeekSocks: I am so glad
EvilStudMaster: Wanna Fuck?

With that I clicked the ignore button and left the chat room, has the state of the world got so bad that this is representative of the state of seduction in the on-line world. Gone it seems are the days when a swain would compose lines such as this by Christopher Marlow

It lies not in our power to love or hate,
For will in us is overruled by fate.
When two are stripped, long ere the course begin,
We wish that one should love, the other win;
And one especially do we affect
Of two gold ingots, like in each respect:
The reason no man knows; let it suffice
What we behold is censured by our eyes.
Where both deliberate, the love is slight:
Who ever loved, that loved not at first sight?
I would warrant that if EvilStudMaster tried that as an opening gambit he might meet with more success in his campaign to be wrapped in the virtual arms on an on-line Venus.

Perhaps old Bendy Dick Rapsinger is right, and it is not often I agree with the Pope, perhaps we do need a week or two AFK (Away From the Keyboard) a week or two when we can touch a flower, paddle in the sea, climb a mountain (or in my case a steep hill) and as Lewis Carroll would have it

"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
of shoes--and ships-- and sealing wax--
of cabbages --and kings--
and why the sea is boiling hot--
and whether pigs have wings"

That's me I am done.. where is the beer?

Sunday 9 August 2009

A timely reminder about our attitudes !

I am a bit late to the game here.. but when I read Francie's post about the crap she has to put up with I got really really cross. Like Cuz Rob I am moving my post off Francie's or Kathy Brown's or Greyhawk's blog because I am still cross and I may trawl the epithets drawer more deeper than usual. You have been warned

My anger comes not only from the fact that I count Francie as a friend and colleague but that I have seen and heard exactly what Francie describes as

Turns out trying to minimize your gender in the way you look or act is a fairly standard thing, which I discovered after many conversations with other women in male dominated fields. And you might have guessed that this post isn't really about "just" me but rather about the effect those stereotype comments have and the lack of diversity that creates in turn.
How often do you have to watch what you say, how you act or look in order to not lose technical credibility?
FUCK! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

I have been on the receiving end of a similar gender specific stereotyping. When I was nursing I was told by a senior nurse manager that ".. there is no place for men in this profession ... " When I mentioned my career to new colleagues for many there was an immediate reaction that was a look that said "...oh you are gay then..." This assumption was so prevalent and so strong that on two occasions I was approached by fellow nursing professionals who took it upon themselves to save me from the sin of "sodomy" during lunch. The assumption then and to a certain extent now is Male Nurse = Homosexual. Mostly I picked up that they considered this a bad thing, this was underlined by a "gentleman" in a bar one night, a husband of a colleague, came up to me and spat through clenched teeth "You fucking bender - can't you get a proper job?"before turning on his heel and walking off.

It was not being thought of as a homosexual that annoyed me, it was the assumption that that was in some way "bad" and I was somehow incapable of doing a proper job because of it. I still feel that folk who think like that can take a very long walk off a fucking short pier

Professional capability is NOT defined by what orrifice you prefer, the friends you have ,the clothes you wear, how big your tits are or how well turned your ankles are in a button boot or for that matter if you got more than an average thumping with the ugly stick..if you make assumptions based on any of the above you are a A+ Gold Plated petty, evil, small minded, fuck-witted TWONK!

Now Francie and Kathy do not need me to defend them , they are more than capable of doing that themselves and this post comes from me being mightly pissed off by the idea that every professional community I wander through seems to have it's share of arse holes who sit wrapped in a blanket of their own prejudices, pulling at the lace curtains of their cubicles and "tut tut"-ing

[sigh]

I was reminded the last couple of lines of a poem by Philip Larkin.

The mower stalled, twice; kneeling, I found
A hedgehog jammed up against the blades,
Killed. It had been in the long grass.

I had seen it before, and even fed it, once.
Now I had mauled its unobtrusive world
Unmendably. Burial was no help:

Next morning I got up and it did not.
The first day after a death, the new absence

Is always the same; we should be careful
Of each other, we should be kind
While there is still time.



Emphasis mine.

A wander around the giants causeway


Today I took a wander alongt he full length of the Giant's Causeway (Clochán na bhFómharach in Irish) which was formed by
(a) The cooling of lava 50-60 million years ago
(b) Built by an Irish Giant Finn MacCool so he could go to scotland and beat up a Scottish Giant
(c) If you listen to the Causeway Creation Committee it was caused by Noah's flood 4500 years ago.

One of these is a myth, one a steaming heap of crap and the other probably the truth ... at this time I will leave you the reader to work out which is which.

However it got here it is on my doorstep (and the doorstep of The Bushmill's Distillery) and is a regular stomping ground for my weekend brisk walks. The summer is a bit worse that the rest of the year because it is (quite rightly) alive with tourists. I prefer it in the spring and autumn when there are less folk about and I can have the 5 miles of coastal strangeness to myself. If you are ever over this way you should have a look see, it really is rather spectacular :-) In the mean time here are some photos.







 

Friday 7 August 2009

Remembering ,.... the undiscovered worlds of Girls

I laid it all on the line for a lassie once.
Well, okay she wasn't exactly a woman.
I was fifteen and there was this girl in the same year as me but at the High School on the other side of town... Martina
God, she was beautiful.
I had the biggest dose of "Fancy Fever" on her. Of course, so did almost every other chap in my class. I knew I'd never have a chance with her but I went to The School Social with only one purpose in mind well maybe two purposes but I was only young and had very HIGH hopes. I digress my aim goal objective thingie was to get Martina to slow-dance with me. I figured if I could just dance with her once, even if it was just that one time, well... of such dreams are young male psyches made.

Anyway, I went, figuring I'd have to fight my way through a line of chaps just to get close to her. But when I got there... I couldn't believe it. Nobody was asking anybody to dance. The guys were all on one side of the hall, combing their hair and checking their watches and trying to look cool whilst MUD, KENNY and The GLITTER BAND did their 'thang on the turntables and trying so damn hard not to appear to be looking at the lassies. The girls were all on the other side of the hall, huddled in little groups, whispering to each other and pretending not to care if the guys were watching them or not. And there was Martina. She was sitting there listening to some friends of hers. She looked nervous and vulnerable, kind of lonely and just... irresistibly beautiful.

And that was when I realized, this was my chance. All the other guys who were looking at her the same way I was, were all too nervous to go near her. So I took a deep breath, walked right over to her and asked her to dance. And she said, "No."

Nothing else. Just no. I've never felt so many different things at one time. It was like a kick to the stomach, but also like a cold fist crushing my heart. I felt like I had a fever, like my skin was on fire, but at the same time I felt frozen inside. My heart was broken. My pride was shattered. And that was when I realized I was going to throw up... and that somehow I had to make it back to the anonymity of the darkness of the car park before that happened. So I turned and started walking away. God, I felt awful. I knew it would be impossible to ever feel worse than I did at that moment. And then I heard Martina .. laughing at me....

Hey ho.. many years have passed since then and is my understanding of women any better now? Is it F**K ;-)

Monday 3 August 2009

The first brush stroke is always the hardest

As part of the Xmas present giving this year one of my relatives bought me several canvases and I have yet to use any of them. They have been sitting under my desk calling to me, but one thing or another has been pushing me in other ways and away from the siren call of my artistic muses.

I unwrapped one of the canvases this evening , this is it.



It is one of the bigger ones (ooeerr matron!) 70x50cm and as I sit and look at I can see exactly what I want the finished work to be. I know what I want it to "say" to the viewer. I know the private bit of me that I want to expose in an act of creativity. I just have no idea where to start.

It has been said before many many times. That first brush stroke is the hardest, breaking the pristine whiteness of the raw canvas seems almost sacrilegious. Knowing that if you start you will have to see it through to the end, even if that end is a confusing mediocre mess that no-one likes. For that is the main reason to paint or draw or sculpt or write programs or market a product you want other people to see, to understand and to be challenged by the output of your imagination through the skills you have acquired in your life todate.

It is nice to have a painting, drawing, application or campaign that is a success and that is why I paint and why I write applications, if it were just something I "do" there would little to challenge me to learn more develop my skills try things a different way, I would just "do" it and the thrill mixed with fear of that first brush stroke would be lost.

That would not be a good thing. I am glad the canvas still scares me :-) Do your blank canvases still scare you?

Saturday 1 August 2009

Some new Sounds I have been listening too

Now this is The Freemasons Feat. Bailey Tzuke doing an Alanis Morissette song and I kinda like it...



Mainly cos I went to see her mother Judy Tzuke in the late 70's/80's, seems like a good voice runs in the family .. this is her mum in '85



Talking of famous mother + daughters here is Sophie Ellis Bextor "heartbreak make me a dancer" .. and she was the "bump" that caused her mother Janet Ellis a certain amount of blushing on Blue Peter.

Saturday 18 July 2009

Really clever music mash up - Christina Milan and Jim Hendrix "Dip it Joe"

Almost seamless.... fantastic



and probably the weirdest mash of the year to date that I have heard with way to many folk to mention including the late great Bill Hicks

Friday 17 July 2009

Flex,Domino and Web Services 101

Okay Dokey, the last 2 Flex posts used JSON from a Web Agent, which is fine if that is your cup of tea, but Domino comes complete with easy to use and deploy WebServices and it would be a shame not to use them.

I will take it as read you know all about web services but for those that don't a Web Service is a way of letting applications written in languages like FLEX's MXML or Java interact with your data with the minimum of fuss and bother. You define the webservice and it gets published by domino as a WSDL which is a formal XML data stream. Your application then knows what methods and data your webservice offers for getting data, posting data etc and you app can use the methods it finds in the WSDL data to interact with the back end data.

Anyway I have a simple Notes database with 1 form called STOCK with the following fields
ItemKey
Category
SubCategory
ItemName
OnHandQuantity

I have a view sorted (but not categorised) by ItemKey the view is called MyStockView

So I go to the CODE section in the DDE and open the "Web Services Providers Section"

On the Web Services Properties Dialog I do the following:

I Give the WebService a NAME of StockService
I give it a PORT TYPE CLASS of getStock
I give it a PROGRAMMING MODEL of RPC
I give it SOAP MESSAGE FORMAT of DOC/LITERAL
I include "Operational Name in SOAP Action"
The PORT TYPE NAME is getStock
The SERVICE ELEMENT NAME is getStockService
The SERVICE PORT NAME is Domino

In the "Declarations" section i put this code
Dim ThisSession As NotesSession
Dim ThisDB As NotesDatabase
Dim StockDoc As NotesDocument
Dim StockView As NotesView

Class getStock
Sub New
Set ThisSession = New NotesSession
End Sub

Public Function getStock(stockKey As String) As String

If StockDoc Is Nothing Then
result=getStockDoc(stockKey)
getStock=result
End If
End Function

End Class
This is a VERY VERY basic web service!
Web Services are defined in CLASS objects and this service contains one class called getStock, it contains 1 method that instansiated the getStock object. It is passed one parameter stockKey
which is passed to a function called getStockDoc which does the actual work of geting and returning data.

I then have to create the getStockDoc() function in the Web Service object .. like this
Private Function GetStockDoc(stockKey As String) As String
Set ThisDB = ThisSession.CurrentDatabase
If Not (ThisDB.IsOpen) Then
GetStockDoc= "Error opening database"
Exit Function
End If
'Check that view exists in the database
Set StockView = ThisDB.GetView("StockByKey")
If StockView Is Nothing Then
GetStockDoc = "Error in search"
Exit Function
End If
'Get a document by provided search key
Set StockDoc = StockView.GetDocumentByKey(stockKey, True)
If StockDoc Is Nothing Then
GetStockDoc = "Cannot find Stock"
Exit Function
End If
GetStockDoc= StockDoc.ItemName(0)
End Function
This does what it says on the tin.. it checkes the DB exists, the view exists and then goes and gets the document found using the stock key. the function returns either an error message if something goes wrong or the Item Name if it succeeds.

Having done all this I try out my webservice by going to this URL

http://www.unseenuni.com/mystock.nsf/StockService?wsdl

And if every thing goes according to plan i should get some nicely formatted XML. The content of the XML is very interesting if you are a real geek, but the domino server does all the interesting shit so as long as you get lots of XML your web service is working and you can they create applications that can "consume" it.

OH very important this.. DOMINO will take all the important bits of your server and make them UPPER CASE!! so getStock will become GETSTOCK

OK I fire up the other side of the coin now and create my MXML file called WS1.mxml in this case and i open the application with the normal Application tags
<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?>
<mx:Application xmlns:mx="http://www.adobe.com/2006/mxml" layout="absolute">
</mx:application>
inside these tags I create my webservice definition
<mx:WebService
id='myservice'
wsdl="http://www.unseenuni.com/mystock.nsf/stockservice?wsdl">
</mx:WebService>
You will not that i have given it an ID so i can refer to it in my MX code later on
and I define where the web service object can get the WSDL XML from the server. This will be loaded from the server automatically when the application is loaded at run time.

Inside the mx:WebService tag i create the following code
<mx:operation name='GETSTOCK' result='myresult(event)'>
<mx:request>
<STOCKKEY>
{mykey.text}
</STOCKKEY>
</mx:request>
</mx:operation>


Although the WSDL defines the method GETSTOCK in the webservice I have to define an MX object to interact with it. So I create an mx:operation which has the same name as the WSDL (note the upper case !!) and it also defines an mx function myresult(event) which will be fired when the webservice operation returns data.

The STOCKEY tag defines the data that will be passed to the method again note the UPPERCASE! In this case I have defined this as the bindable value of a Text input box which I will define in a moment... but first i will define the script for the result handler myresult();

<mx:Script>
<![CDATA[
import mx.controls.Text;
import mx.controls.Alert;
import mx.rpc.events.ResultEvent
[Bindable]
private var msg:String
private function myresult(event:ResultEvent):void
{
msg = (event.result as String)
mx.controls.Alert.show(msg)
}
]]>
</mx:Script>


As you can see when the myresult() function is triggered it will display the content s of the Event result as text in an alert box.. not very exciting i know but I want to keep the code down to a minimum.

lastly I create a text input box and button.

<mx:TextInput x="25" y="10" id="mykey"/>
<mx:Button x="25" y="40" label="Button" click='myservice.GETSTOCK.send()'/>
The text input box is called mykey and use {mykey.text} in the STOCKKEY tag of the Webservice Operation definition earlier..

The Button calls the Webservice's GETSTOCK's method by calling .send(), this then calls the webservice method passes it to the server and waits for some data to come back when the function myresult() will be triggered and processed.

So when i compile up my flex project it looks like this on the screen



and if i type in a valid Item Key and click the button .. this happens



Easy Peasy!

Now webservices are usually way way way more complex than this one, but you get the idea :-) and it only took 31 lines of MXML to define the process that consumed it. In the next post I will use Web Services to Update data on the server.

Tuesday 14 July 2009

More Flexy loveliness = Categorized with Summaries

In the last post I popped up an example of categorized views and in this we will add the additional functionality of Summaries.

To recap the last post

01. Create a GroupCollection object

02. Assign a source property of the Group Collection object to the AdvancedDataGrid's dataProvider

03. Create a New Grouping Object

04. Create a new GroupingField Object or Objects that specify the field(s) on which to group

05. Assign the Grouping property of the GroupingCollection to the Grouping Object

06. Refresh the Grouping Collection

07. Assign the GroupingCollection to the Dataprovider or the AdvancedDataGrid.

But what if you want to have some summarised .. well that is relatively easy too. Lets try for this.. With summary data at the end of each category


Ok Lets go.

01. I go to the GroupingField definitions I created yesterday
Originally it looked like this <mx:GroupingField name="cat"/>

02. I drop the / from the end and create a tag pair
<mx:GroupingField name="cat">
&lt/mx:GroupingField>

03. Inside this tag pair I create a <mx:summaries> and </mx:summaries> tag pair

04. Inside the summaries Tags i create a <mx:SummaryRow summaryPlacement="last"> tag pair.. Note the SummaryPlacement attribute. "last" will place it at the end of the category and "first" will put it and the start.

05. Inside the SummaryRow i create a <mx:fields> tag pair

06. Inside the fields tag pair i create
<mx:SummaryField dataField="qty" operation="SUM" label="summary" />
The source of the data is set in dataField which in this case is the "qty" field in the XML pulled from the domino agent.
The Operation is "SUM" (or totalise all the QTY values in the category) other options can be MIN, MAX, AVG and COUNT

07. I repeat 1-6 for the other field "subcat" that I am summarising on

08. Your code will now look like this.

<mx:Grouping>
<mx:GroupingField name="cat">
<mx:summaries>
<mx:SummaryRow summaryPlacement="last">
<mx:fields>
<mx:SummaryField
dataField="qty"
operation="SUM"
label="summary" />
</mx:fields>
</mx:SummaryRow>
</mx:summaries>
</mx:GroupingField>
<mx:GroupingField name="subcat">
<mx:summaries>
<mx:SummaryRow summaryPlacement="last">
<mx:fields>
<mx:SummaryField dataField="qty" operation="SUM" label="summary" />
</mx:fields>
</mx:SummaryRow>
</mx:summaries>
</mx:GroupingField>
</mx:Grouping>
09. Now i am going to use a flex function called a rendererProvider, which is a MXML component that is used to render a particular item in your project.

10. I create a new MXML file called SummaryText.mxml in a subdirectory called Renderers off the directory i have my main MXML file in.

11. The code looks like this and basically all it is , is a LABEL component the which will display the total that is calculated for the category. Note the {data.summary} the .summary refers back to the LABEL I used in the <mx:SummaryField> statement above

<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?>
<mx:Label xmlns:mx="http://www.adobe.com/2006/mxml"
text="Total Quantity {data.summary}">
</mx:Label>
12. Having saved the SummaryText.mxml file I return to the AdvancedDataGrid definition in my main MXML file. Just above the closing </mx:AdvancedDataGrid> tag I create a new set of tags that attach the renderer to the AdvancedDataGrid. the code looks like this

<mx:rendererProviders>
<mx:AdvancedDataGridRendererProvider
dataField="summary"
columnIndex="1"
columnSpan="2"
renderer="Renderers.SummaryText"/>
</mx:rendererProviders>
Of note here is the the dataField attribute points at LABEL I used in the <mx:SummaryField> definition (and beware it IS case sensitive)
Also if i set the columnSpan to "0" it will span all columns in the grid. I have chosen 2 here cos it looks better in the finished application.
Also the renderer attribute is made up of [the path to the renderer MXML file].[File name without extenstion] beware this too is case sensitive.

13. Once that is done ... compile up your app and there you have it.. summary values in your view. Note this is all done by FLEX as I have NOT changed the agent that supplies the data from the Domino application.

I have Popped this into a NSF and zipped it up with the Flex Builder 3 project files if you want to have a look see.. This is the same file as yesterday.. except the summarised page is FlexView2 ad the SWF is called CategoryView2.swf.. you can get it here .. Same provisio as yesterday, This will NOT work on your server as you need to change the URL for the HTTPService object and recompile the SWF for it to work!!! Enjoy and again if you have any questions drop me an email :-)

Categorised Views in Flex - It's really easy

OK .. a Flex Post for youse in Domino land.

First some stuff about the what I used.

Flex 3 SDK
Notepad ++
Domino 8.5.0 server
Domino 8.5.0 DDE

I was asked recently how I would FLEX a multi-category expand/collapsible view which is admittedly dead easy in the Notes Client. Well it is almost as easy in Flex.

This is what I did to illustrate the method.

01. I created a form that looks like this


02. I created a view that looks like this

03. I created an agent that does this
04. I opened Notepad++ and created a file called CategoryView1.mxml and typed up these 47 lines of code
<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?>
<mx:Application xmlns:mx="http://www.adobe.com/2006/mxml" layout="absolute" creationComplete="myData.send()">
<mx:HTTPService id="myData"
url="http://www.unseenuni.com:81/flexview.nsf/getdata?openagent"
result="dataResult(event)"/>
<mx:Script>
<![CDATA[
import mx.controls.Text;
import mx.controls.Alert;
import mx.rpc.events.ResultEvent
import mx.collections.ArrayCollection
[Bindable]
private var items:ArrayCollection = new ArrayCollection
private var msg:String
private function dataResult(event:ResultEvent):void
{
items= event.result.items.item;
myGroup.refresh(true)
}
private function dostuff(event:MouseEvent):void
{
if(event.target.data.key)
{
msg = event.target.data.key
mx.controls.Alert.show(msg)
}
}
]]>
</mx:Script>

<mx:AdvancedDataGrid x="10" y="10" id="Grid1" designViewDataType="tree" width="719" height="343" creationComplete="myGroup.refresh()">
<mx:dataProvider>
<mx:GroupingCollection id="myGroup" source="{items}">
<mx:Grouping>
<mx:GroupingField name="cat"/>
<mx:GroupingField name="subcat"/>
</mx:Grouping>
</mx:GroupingCollection>
</mx:dataProvider>
<mx:columns>
<mx:AdvancedDataGridColumn headerText="Item" dataField="item"/>
<mx:AdvancedDataGridColumn headerText="Qty" dataField="qty"/>
<mx:AdvancedDataGridColumn headerText="Price" dataField="price"/>
</mx:columns>
</mx:AdvancedDataGrid>

</mx:Application>

05. I compiled up the mxml to a SWF using the SDK (a lot easier if you use FLEX BUILDER!)

06. I Imported the resulting file CategoryView1.swf as a File Resource in my NSF

07. I created a Page in my NSF with this Passthru HTML
<object classid="clsid:D27CDB6E-AE6D-11cf-96B8-444553540000"
id="CategoryView1" width="100%" height="100%"
codebase="http://fpdownload.macromedia.com/get/flashplayer/current/swflash.cab">
<param name="movie" value="CategoryView1.swf" />
<param name="quality" value="high" />
<param name="bgcolor" value="#869ca7" />
<param name="allowScriptAccess" value="sameDomain" />
<embed src="CategoryView1.swf" quality="high" bgcolor="#869ca7"
width="100%" height="100%" name="CategoryView1" align="middle"
play="true"
loop="false"
quality="high"
allowScriptAccess="sameDomain"
type="application/x-shockwave-flash"
pluginspage="http://www.adobe.com/go/getflashplayer">
</embed>
</object>

08. I fired up a browser and went to the page's I just created URL and this is what appeared.



It really is that easy... So lets look at this in detail.

The Domino agent returns nice simple XML - have a look at ../flexdata.nsf/getdata?openagent and you will see it in "raw" form, althought the parent view is sorted it is not categorised it is an ordinary flat view. We will let Flex do the sorting and grouping once it gets the data.

The MXML is only 47 lines long and was created as follows :-
(replace [] with < adn >)
01. I created an application

[mx:Application xmlns:mx="http://www.adobe.com/2006/mxml" layout="absolute"]

[/mx:Application]


This defines the application and it is always like this, note the tag pair is closed!


02. Inside the application tags I place a definition of the HTTPService I am going to use to provide the data to the application


[mx:HTTPService id="myData"
url="http://www.unseenuni.com:81/flexview.nsf/getdata?openagent"
result="dataResult(event)"/]


This breaks down into
id this is the id by which I will refer to the service later in the code
url this is the URL which will provide the data
result this is the actionscript code that will run when data is recieved from the url

03. The next section is the Actionscript code that my flex application will use

<mx:Script>
<![CDATA[
import mx.controls.Text;
import mx.controls.Alert;
import mx.rpc.events.ResultEvent
import mx.collections.ArrayCollection
[Bindable]
private var items:ArrayCollection = new ArrayCollection
private var msg:String
private function dataResult(event:ResultEvent):void
{
items= event.result.items.item;
myGroup.refresh(true)
}
]]>
</mx:Script>


Firstly I import the various Adobe Supplied libaries that i will need
Then I create a Bindable ArrayCollection object call items, this will store the returned data.
Then I define the dataResult() function that I attached to the HTTPService object. Remember this code gets executed when the URL in the HTTPService recieves data from the URL. In this instance the items ArrayCollection is loaded with the data returned from the URL. FLEX will see it as XML and I can access it through the event.result object by name.

04. Now I define my on screen objects

<mx:AdvancedDataGrid x="10" y="10" id="Grid1" designViewDataType="tree" width="719" height="343" creationComplete="myGroup.refresh()">
<mx:dataProvider>
<mx:GroupingCollection id="myGroup" source="{items}">
<mx:Grouping>
<mx:GroupingField name="cat"/>
<mx:GroupingField name="subcat"/>
</mx:Grouping>
</mx:GroupingCollection>
</mx:dataProvider>
<mx:columns>
<mx:AdvancedDataGridColumn headerText="Item" dataField="item"/>
<mx:AdvancedDataGridColumn headerText="Qty" dataField="qty"/>
<mx:AdvancedDataGridColumn headerText="Price" dataField="price"/>
</mx:columns>
</mx:AdvancedDataGrid>


I use the AdvancedDataGrid because it has support for Grouped (read Categorised Objects) you will not I do not ascribe a datasource to the AdvancedDataGrid Object. Instead I create a DataProvider object INSIDE the AdvancedDataGrid Tag pair! very important than!

Inside the DataProvider Object I create first a GroupingCollection object, I would do this even if I had only one category. Inside that I define a Grouping object and then as manu GroupingField objects as I need. In this instance the Fields Cat and SubCat.

I then define the Columns I want to display. Note i do NOT include the columns that will be my groups!

And that is it... compile it up, stick it in your NSF and Robert is your mother's brother.

I have uploaded the NSF and FLEX BUILDER PROJECT here.. but the NSF will not work on your server unless you change the URL in the MXML from my server to your own, recompile the SWF and delete the orginal SWF from the NSF and attach the new one as a new file resource.. i include it only so you can see the code not run it :-)

If you have any questions just drop me a line ... enjoy

Sunday 12 July 2009

Tinariwen - New Album Companions - 5 Star wonderful!

I discovered the Tuareg Poet / Guitarist legends Tinariwen last year and YIPEE a new album is out.. This is Lulla from the new album "Companions" If you like new exciting sounds give it a listen close your eyes and think desert ... enjoy

Some thoughts on Tradition

I have recently returned from a business trip to the far east and arrived back just in time for the annual tradition of the 12th of July. The "Glorious Twelfth" as it is known in some circles is the traditional celebration of the The Battle of Boyne in 1690 when the Protestant King William of Orange gave the Catholic King James a bloody nose. Now it was far from the simple matter of two denominations of Christianity being belligerent, it was more about the power of the royal families in Europe at the time. In fact Pope Alexander VIII lent King William troops for the war against King James. King William and the Pope and several other countries were in the League of Ausburg which was set up to defend the Palatinate of the Rhine from the French. A fact sadly lacking from the history expounded by organisations like the Orange Order who much prefer the world view that the Battle of the Boyne was a "Protestant Victory for a Protestant People" which is in fact a load of revisionist knob cheese, but what is a bit of revisionism when it is the absolute right given by God and justified by Luther, Calvin, Knox and the tooth fairy to be a raving bigot at the drop of a bowler hat each July.

I overheard a conversation at the airport where a grandmother was telling her grandchildren of the "good old days" when her grandfather paid her 1 old penny each time she sat on his knee and shouted "To hell and the flames with the pope and all Catholics". Ah yes the good old days of vitriol and hatred ... such a fine gift to pass on to one's children!

When I was a teenager if you travelled outside the streets where you were known it was inevitable that you would be asked "What are you?". Now for other traditional forms of hatred like racism it is easy to pick your targets by visual cues alone. Picking which person to abuse is harder when based on religion hence the blunt interrogative method. It became second nature for most to quickly work out who was doing the asking and switch sides accordingly, this whilst being ethically suspect was a sure fire way to avoid getting a black eye or worse. Needless to say one had to learn the responses to the follow up questions of "Well sing the Sash" or "Say the hail Mary" but that was a small price to pay.

You could not answer "neither", that was not an option, you could not sit on the fence. You had to plant yourself firmly on one side or the other and be prepared to defend that position from all comers, needless to say expressions of distrust or outright hatred of the "other" side were mandatory if you were to be believed.

As a callow youth the painful experience of having to fight off both sides soon lead to the my questionable position of variable allegiance, although in hindsight I was put in the position of having to repeat parrot like the vitriol of one side or the other, something I could not and hopefully would not allow myself to do now.

Now do not get me wrong, tradition can be a wonderful thing. The traditions of openness, friendship, philanthropy and generosity of spirit are fine things to pass on to the next generation. Such traditions are the glue that holds societies together and makes them work. However on the other side of the coin are the traditions that are divisive, that are driven by the sure and certain knowledge that your tradition is the ONLY one that is right, the only one that is useful and in this case that it is the only one that is God Given to you and your side only.

Traditions are dangerous when they are the only thing that defines who you are. I do not define myself by the country that I live in, nor do I wrap myself in the dubious comfort of a flag, as this only succeeds in hiding me from others. If I was holding that tightly onto a flag how could I hug a stranger or extend them the hand of friendship?.. and there is the rub ... i do not think that is part of the traditions I see unfolding each July. There are no hands of friendship, no hugs expect for those in your tribe. It is all inward looking, incestuous, foetid reinforcement of generationally transmitted regligious hatred and distrust.

Tomorrow, tens of thousands of bowler hatted, white gloved men will march behind banners that display their commitment to the British monarch (but ONLY with the strict condition that the monarch is Protestant, or more exactly, not Catholic) and commitment to the Bible (the protestant one not the catholic one). The banners they march behind will be flanked by men carrying swords and pikestaffs in rememberance of those that were killed and the fact that they needed to be killed to protect the faith. There will be marching bands playing military marching tunes mixed with sectarian anthems, some of which will have words that call the listener to arms to defend with violence the God given right to be Protestant. There will be acts of worship in which ministers will pillory the "church of rome" and declaimed it as the worst evil in the world. There will be speeches where the leaders of the Orange tribes will extole their members to stick together for God and Country at all and any cost.

This is not a tradition I want any part of.

Monday 22 June 2009

Oh Joy .. here comes July :-( or "The Joy Of Flags"

I am sat here in my front room watching some chaps who don't live on the estate hang flags on the lamp posts. This is because it is only a couple of weeks until that annual orgy of all things "orange" and "protestant" gets under way.

This year there are a lot less flags, mainly due to the fact that when the wee toerags whose appear to communicate in monosyllabic grunts, groin scratching and positioning of a Burberry/Rangers FC baseball cap at varying angles upon their echoingly empty heads, came to the door and asked "wannagiveussomemoneyfurdeflagseh?" I, like many of my neighbours when we had taken a moment or two to decrypt this strange request replied "Ah no". This could be because folks are a bit strapped for cash this year or it could be that being surrounded by 100's of flags all flapping in the ever present Norn Iron wind roughly level with your bedroom window was just a bit intrusive. "Tradition" or not, sleep deprivation can be a right royal pain in the arse.

Now it has to be said we have a plethora of flags and for some it is a requirement equivalent with breathing that they fly every fecking one from every lamp post in the province.

At the top of the heap the Union Jack, the flag of the "United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland" to give it the full rather boring name.. this one
Then you have the "Government of Northern Ireland Flag" which is the sort of official flag of the six counties
Then you have the "Alternate Northern Ireland Flag" Which has no crown and a wee union jack in the top corner. This is perceived to be a UDA (Ulster Defence association - an illegal paramilitary/terrorist/drug dealing group)

Then you have the flag of the Orange order, a protestant religious organisation famed for it's bowler hats, sashes and it's unofficial war cry of "Fuck the Pope" (i am being crass here, however on the 12th july when certain songs are played at the BIG parade you will hear this with a monotonous regularity and on walls in Belfast you will see FTP scrawled on walls and it is not the work some underground group of TCP/IP graffitioso)


Then there is the King Billy Flag .. another sort of Orange order flag



Not to be left out the UVF (Ulster Volunteer Force - Another illegal paramilitary,terrorist organisation) and the YCV (Young Citizen Volunteers - Much the same as the UVF but without the moustaches)

And here are more.. including Dutch flags (King Billy was Dutch) Scottish flags and even Israeli flags (The Meyer & Cohen Hassidic Loyal Rising Sons of William temperance and Ohi Vey Battalion perhaps??) Anyway there are lots and lots and lots of flags on BOTH sides and as they fly in estates all over the north each flutter picks at the scabs of a 1000 insults both real and imagined.

So here I sit watching a plethora of flags flutter in the stiff breeze and there in the background several of young Ulster Protestantism's finest are singing along to the not terribly well played battle flute. "We are... We are... We are the billy boys! We are up to our necks in Fenian blood, surrender or you die" whilst necking a bottle of Buckfast tonic .. well after all it is traditional so it must be right... isn't it?

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