Right - people who follow my tweets will already know that my patience with cold callers has worn perilously thin of late. Particularly with Oracle salespeople although SalesForce, HP and Macafee are not that far behind.
I am paid to do a job and I do that job reasonably well given the fact there there are only so many hours in the day that I can work in. What I am NOT paid to do is to engage with cold callers trying to engage me in a conversation that adds not a shred of productivity to my day, dozens of times a week. This week I have taken 14 of these deeply irritating calls and quite frankly enough is enough!
For the record :-
1. Were you even mildly interested in me as a person rather than as a revenue stream you would have asked someone how to pronounce my name, calling me Mr [long pause] Ma Dough Mag and when I correct it if you continue to get it wrong I WILL hang up.
2. Were I interested in your offering I will contact you until then LEAVE ME ALONE!
3. If I am on a list that says I am interested and you are from Oracle , Salesforce, HP or Macafee the list is wrong and I will have asked many times to be taken off the list. People like yourself haven' bothered so pardon me if I don't give a damn about professional courtesy if you or a colleague ring me the next fecking day with the same content.
4. I really really really do not care a monkey's chuff if Gartner thinks the sun shines out of your collective orifices. Neither do I care a scintilla that product X will save the universe from heat death or the effects of the antisocial cultural hegemony of Facebook. If you send me "White Papers" and I haven't explicitly asked for them then I will figuratively wipe my arse with them, flush them into the toilet of my contempt and have them safely de-odourised by the toilet duck of derision.
6. Offering to come and meet me in person because you will "be in the area" does not in any way suddenly make me interested in your product. The fact I have said "I am not interested" does not in any way allow you to infer than me being able to smell your aftershave and marvel at the sartorial elegance of your suit is going to change my mind.
7. Implying that whatever competitor's product I am using is crap, worthless or might cause impotence does not endear your product in any shape or form (Unless it is Internet Explorer which of course does cause Impotence and that is the reason I do not use it) If I ever want someone to insult the tools I use every day I will be sure to put you at the top of my list.
8. I know "times are hard" and you are "just doing your job" but you do have to remember you are interrupting me at work. You are directly responsible for a hiatus in whatever it is I am doing, that hiatus better be something I AM interested in or you WILL suffer the thin sharp edge of my wrath.
9. If you come across me on your call list for the day - consider me "hostile and dangerous" you have been warned!!!!
That is all.