Monday 9 August 2010

Duffy the Banana Slayer - Chapter 3 "Is this your Ewok?"

Where we are introduced to a Pseudo French Inspector, Mistress Marybeth of the "Never used Vista Virgins" and the difference between Dastard and Bastard

He looked around the room surrounded by the detritus of a party. Half eaten pizzas beer bottles by the dozen, an unturned bottle of diet Coke in a ice bucket, a dart board with a picture of Bill Gates on.. the picture was more hole that picture. He stooped and picked up a crumpled flyer "Sharepointless Summer Party" .. yes they had been here and recently.

Flinching at the creaking of a floorboard he turned and dropped into Debugo-Ketsu Dachi stance in one fluid movement.

"Hello..." said Privet "Why are your wearing gloves and a hazmat suit and why have you stuck one thumb in your nose and the other in your ear?"

Privet while a recognised expert in all things javascript was not a adept in the higher forms of programming martial arts. Duffy nudged him and said "Shhhhhhhhhhhhh"

"ello" said the man his accent thick and quite hard to understand "wot our yew doing ere?"

"We live here" said Privet

"Ahhhhh " said the man .. "that wood hexplain hit"

"And you are ..... ?" Privet let his question drift like a fart in a crowded lift.

The man relaxed "I am Inspector Áchaux, Rob Áchaux of the Surrette DAOS squad" he paused, "Is this yer eeewuk?"

"yereeeewuk?" enquired Privet

"Oui  yer EEEEWUK?"

"Sorry no still not quite there.. my what?"

"EEEEWUK you know .... zay our zmall and vury hairy .... from stur warez"

"stur warez? ... ooooo Star wars .. ahhh you mean EWOK!"

"Yes EEEEWUK zat is what I said"

"That is not an Ewok" Privet replied, " Zat is .. sorry that is Duffy"

"Duffy The Banana Slayer (tm)?" asked Inspector Áchaux, his accent suddenly replaced by a southern drawl, which to some ears is as bad as a faux french one.

"Yes that would be me" replied Duffy somewhat hurt but not that surprised by the Ewok reference, well it was better than Pappa Smurf but not much.

"I have been sent here by..." Áchaux paused, looked around and whispered "Bruce of the Very Large Fonts ,may he be Brilled for ever, of the council of elders sent me to bring news of the HellNose"

"Right" said Duffy, "and about time too! Privet ... make tea, come Inspector Áchaux we have much to talk about"

"Portaland is full of evil evil forces. There are some things I can just smell. It's like a sixth sense" said the Inspector

Duffy finched "No, I think that would be one of the normal five."

Privet returned with the tea ... "well Duffy is the man for you if fighting evil is what you want"

Duffy swelled to his full height ... "I can beat up the Microsofties until the cows come home... and then I can beat up the cows."

"So we in the council of Elders have heard" intoned the Inspector, " and that is the reason I am here!. After many meetings and staring into the shiney side of the Sacred Connections Installation DVD we have become aware of a plot, a dastardly plot..."

"Yes Microsofties are reall bastar..."

Duffy interupted Privet .. "No Priv Dastard, it is like bastard but written in C#"

The Inspector sipped his tea and continued

"Indeed dastardly , dastardly in the extreme. It would seem the powers of evil are amassing on the other side of the rift. Large ripples in the sametime development cycle have been observed and Mistress MaryBeth of the We have never used Vista Virgins has had troubling visions of really really really boring user interfaces and infinitly pointless button bars!"

The inspector's words hung heavy in the air just like when you walk into a pair of just washed tights hung carelessly in the bathroom by a girlfriend.

"Feck" said Privet

"Feck indeed!" said Duffy "Tell us More inspector.. we need details"

Disqus for Domi-No-Yes-Maybe