Friday 6 August 2010

Duffy the Banana Slayer - Chapter 2 "The Journey Home"

In which we do not meet Nigel the out of work sarbannes oxley auditor and bus shelter attendant, Duffy has a Beatlemania flash back, Bill Buchans Knees make an appearence and we meet Gladys from the Sharepoint Coven

The group had been partying in the tea shops of south central Portaland. Tonight was the re-opening of the hottest geek club in town. The owner had completely remodelled the club in yellow and renamed it "Banana Daiquiri". No one actually knew who it was that now owned the club there were rumours of someone called Big Ed from Chicago who seemed to spend a lot of time in airports. Much Googling by the locals had turned up nothing of interest apart from a rather good article on knitting with seaweed by someone called Brill. Why he named the club the way he had was another mystery. Bananas were scare in Oregon lots and lots of Moose and few bananas, but everyone agreed, it made a pleasant change from "The Debuggers Break Point and Social Club".. and there, gentle reader we will leave the revellers and catch up with our hero.

Duffy pulled the collar of his coat up against the light drizzle that was falling and strode out into the dusk. He hated it when it rained! Being a short arse meant that he had to be careful near the deeper puddles particularly if he hadn't brought his water wings, which he hadn't on this particular night.

The Bus Stop was empty, which was odd. Nigel who had made the bus stop his home was no where to be seen. Nigel, a Sarbannes Oxley auditor who had been caught in possession of a sense of humour and had his auditing propelling pencil broken into seven pieces by a super secretive cadre called "The Auditorium" prior to being fired, kept the bus shelter clean and tidy. He had even gone as far as installing Free Wifi, coffee machine, floral curtains and a set of steps so Duffy could climb up to the seats.

Duffy scanned the nearby alleyway, nothing there but the worn out dreams of yesterday, yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away, but now it seems they are here to stay.. yesterday.

"Damn" exclaimed Duffy, shaking his head, "I am having another rampant Beatlemania flashback" The bite of a semi-dead beatle obsessed MS-SQL 2000 admin had happened over 10 years ago on a balmy karaoke night in Kimonos. The SQLombie had not taken offence at Duffy's part in the performance of "Don't go Breaking my Heart" By Elton John and Kiki Dee, but had been driven mad by the FLASH FLASH FLASH of the white.. oh so very white knees flashing neath the hem of his partner Will Bill Buchan's kilt. Such was the potency of the toxin in the bite, Duffy would break into spontaneous Beatle related thought processes. He also had an un-natural need to talk about "Inner Left Joins" when kissing his long suffering wife.

The rain continued to fall, the bus stop remained deserted and all of Portaland seemed to be asleep, but then Portaland always seemed that way. Which in itself was odd. A town planning screw ups back in the 1850's had sealed Portaland's fate because rather than build the town on a field called "Wibbleawonqucholicasqamish" which means in the local Indian language "A nice place to build a wee town field"  the founding fathers chose a field nearby called "Zolunquanobblefon gaffa gonwallopaonopee"  which means "Undead zombies live under the rocks build your town over there in the field with the nice name stupid". Over the years those "in the know" had come to realise that Portaland was in fact built on a rift in the space time continuum thru which reruns of "I love Lucy" and "days of our lives" leaked directly into the frontal lobes of the inhabitants during the day. At night.. OOOOO .. at nite Portaland lived up to the name the slayers used for it ..... HELLNOSE.

The party goers spewed from the Banana Daiquiri into the darkness of the Portaland night. Singing songs fueled by Hendricks gin, Guinness and cucumbers they staggered down the block towards Duffy and his bustop.

He heard them long before he could see them. He made sure his coat was buttoned and he had a firm grip on his stout stick for he knew like he always did that these were the spawn of the nose. Hag ridden denizens of the realms of Redmond who were riding high on the temporary freedom of a night in Portaland.

"They may pass by" Thought Duffy, but he knew they wouldn't they never did.

"Ah ha!" shouted their leader, a tall leggy blond called Gladys. "If it isn't The Slayer!"
She spat the words out as if the saying of them had soured her spit.

Duffy turned and gave her a withering look.

"You never learn Gladys do you. You Sharepointers are all the same you never have quite all the patches that make you run clean"

"So you think you are hard .... are you hard LITTLE slayer?   are you ...."

Duffy turned slowly, arms akimbo, "Leave Now, take your friends with you"

Gladys and Duffy stared at each other looking for a weakness and in that moment .... draw

Just then a Moose that was sneaking past let loose with a stentorian fart, as is common in beasts that eat a lot of roughage. Gladys winched for a second, that was all Duffy needed, quick as flash he had intoned the sacred words of the first paragraph of "Best Practices for Building Web Applications for Domino 8.5.1" and set on Gladys and her friends with a whirlwind of blows from his stout stick.

Soon all that was left was a pamphlet on Active Directory fluttering in the breeze and a faint but distinctive smell of Bananas

Duffy sniffed

Duffy still had it.. he IS the Banana Slayer!

The bus arrived, Georgina the driver and part time WWF wrestler nodded to Duffy
Duffy got on.. and the bus pulled away
Somewhere someone was playing the music from the end of "The Hulk"but very quietly so only the gassy moose noticed

Disqus for Domi-No-Yes-Maybe